Posted by: Judy | October 7, 2015

What I didn’t want to mention yesterday…

The amount of time I spend processing the insanity I live in, every single day.

NM will whisper, “I love you” as I walk by. It is all I can do not to scream at her to leave me alone. I have told her that because she lies so much I don’t believe anything she says. And yet, she continues.

I’ve told her that I hate it when she compliments me because she’s the one who told me that men don’t marry a girl who weighed as much as I did or had a face as scarred as mine is. Her compliments mean nothings. I’ve told her this, and she does it anyway.

It isn’t about me. It’s about her. She does what she wants. To say those things makes her feel better. She’s said what she feels in the moment.

It absolutely shreds me. I spend the next hour or two working through it in my head.

What would it hurt to believe her?

I used to, and she liked to see me open under the compliment. She’d offer more, until I’d believe she meant it. I’d share information. Information she would turn around and used against me at a later date, either to humiliate me in front of others or to hurt me. No information is safe with her.

The compliments are used to soften up the target.

I know the compliments are going to be used against me later if I accept them.

So I spent hours reminding myself of all the times she’s twisted my feelings for her own entertainment. I remind myself I’m not unreasonable for protecting myself. I’m not being nasty for keeping a wall between me and her.

Yes, I lose hours, every day, to maintaining my sanity. It’s a good cause.

I could be impatient or angry. Neither of those is helpful.

I need to learn to congratulate myself on maintaining my sanity in an insane situation. I’ve accomplished the impossible: Lived with an N without becoming one and without becoming an enabler.

Embracing the truth instead of lies takes work.

Maybe I need to simply schedule the time into my day and stop beating myself up for doing what’s necessary to be healthy. Maybe make it part of my health program.

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Responses

  1. Reading this, I searched my memories for a time when my mother would say she loved me aside from as an automatic response to when I would say it to her (usually when saying goodbye after a visit). And I’m coming up blank, which is really sad. So, I can’t imagine how creepy and weird it must be for you to have to deal with your mother whispering it too you. I think it would feel super icky to me, like it would dirty me somehow.

    {{{{Judy}}}}

    • I always want to snap, “Don’t tell me, show me!” Useless, of course, because it isn’t about me. I’m not sure which is worse, never hearing it said or knowing it’s said as a way to manipulate. Maybe it isn’t a better/worse, simply sad. Yes, it does feel dirty. Thanks {{{{Judith}}}}

      • I think with NMs that love is an abstraction. It’s something they believe they are supposed to feel and since their children are extensions of themselves, they are able to have some degree of aping the emotion. But it’s so twisted from what love is supposed to be an colored by their manipulation & lies, it’s not even a close facsimile of love.

        Showing it, now that would be nice.

        • Sad but true.

  2. What a difficult situation. Sending love and hugs.

    • Thank you.

  3. “I’m not sure which is worse, never hearing it said or knowing it’s said as a way to manipulate. Maybe it isn’t a better/worse, simply sad.” Speaking as someone who is in the my parents never said “I love you” group, I agree with you that maybe there’s isn’t a better/worse situation, it’s simply sad, but I’d like to add that I think what your mother does messes with your head more. Because if they say nothing, there’s a consistency to the behaviour, whereas if they say they love you when they clearly don’t, then you have to go away and deal the discrepancy (and with the irritation it produces too).

    I also think that they can say things like “I love you” because it doesn’t mean anything to them -emotionally-. They just do what works for them. It’s a tool and nothing more. Whispering “I love you” to you as she walks by is not what a person who truly loves would do. The context is entirely wrong, that’s why it grates on you so much. So, yes, congratulations on maintaining sanity in that environment, we all know how hard that is. You’re doing great! Hugs xx

    • Thanks for the great insights. ((kara))


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