Posted by: Judy | October 5, 2015

Outing my own impostor…

Grace for my Heart talked about “The Impostor.”

I realize he’s referring to narcissists.

https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2015/10/02/the-impostor/

However, I believe that those who are raised by narcissists somewhere along the way must decide if they will follow the narcissist’s example or not.

I swore I would never be like NM, and then I watched some of her behaviors appear. It was devastating. I think I spent more time working to not be like her than anything else. And I wonder why I have no energy.

That part isn’t nearly as important as the realization I had while I read the article. Yes, I’ve mentioned it in the book, but it bears refreshing my memory.

I was sitting in my last counselor’s office, not even ten years ago… about eight years ago. I no longer remember what the exact topic was or how it came about. I’m sure it’s in the book, but I want the current realization… the current revelation.

We must have been talking about who I wanted to be. I remember seeing, in my mind’s eye, the image of the woman I wanted to be standing off to the right or was it the left? I suppose it doesn’t matter… In fact, I think she started on the left, as I saw who I thought I wanted to be, and she moved to the right as I recognized the truth. She was an image I’d created over the years. I thought it was mine, but for the first time I recognized that she was a compilation of what others had taught me I should be.

She was well dressed, put together, the perfect weight. She was smart. She was successful. She was involved. She had friends. She knew the scriptures. She was benevolent. She was everything I wanted for myself. She was practically perfect in every way.

The shocker was the feeling that crept over me… that’s when she shifted from the left to the right. I hated her. She was arrogant. She was self-righteous. She was selfish. She wasn’t likable.

As I read through the post, I recognized some complaints I made this week:

I’m so frustrated by those who emphasize doing. Do, do, do, do, do and everything will work out. If you aren’t working toward God, then you’re sliding toward the adversary. If you only do enough…

How the adversary must laugh with glee.

Overlooked or ignored all together is the power of simply being, of God’s infinite Grace, of giving the battle to God. The wonder of resting in God’s care in the midst of a storm. The awesome awareness of belonging to God simply because He has ransomed me and declared me to be His.

The importance of this post? Recognizing, realizing, and acknowledging that the impostor is vanquished. I still struggle with embracing God’s peace, but it’s about letting go of old habits rather than not believing He’s given it to me.

My new image of who I want to be is much more about being at peace with myself and at peace with God’s plan for me. Good to know.

100_2603

Advertisements

Responses

  1. Brilliant post. It ties in with some thoughts about my mother that emerged after writing my last post. Funny how we’re all thinking along similar lines.
    I wonder if people who are already accepted for who they are feel the need to change themselves so completely; I mean, why should we want to be anything other than what we already are? You know what I mean, don’t you? I’m not talking about growth, but this “picturing” this whole other “person” we should “allegedly” be. Something to think about. Thanks for sharing this and the link too. I’m sure it’s going to spark a few more posts. xx

    • Now that I’m not fighting to develop a relationship with NM, I no longer feel the need to conform… I no longer feel the need to find a way to accept the lying. I think everyone goes through a time when they must choose between lies and the truth. As survivors, we have a close up of our future if we choose the lies. I think what surprises me is that there are so many who still choose the lies. I look forward to reading your thoughts on the topic, karabcn. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: