Posted by: Judy | September 28, 2015

Holes in the heart…

God-size Hole by Laurel Hawkes

I posted this, last Friday. It was a comment I’d made in response to a discussion on FB. We were talking about finding the right person and the mistakes we make along the way to that end. I remember once hearing about God-size holes. I have no idea where or when. The above quote was how it finally came together in my head.

Judith made a good point. I’ve heard of the mother-size hole. It isn’t something I think about much, unless someone else lays it on the table in front of me.

I think I use food to fill that hole. Food makes me feel full, replete.

What I haven’t faced until now is that food only fills the physical need… okay, I have faced it, but I don’t know what to do with this. I know how food works. I know what to do with it. I’m even good at preparing it, even with very little available. I understand how food works. It’s even good for me. It is necessary to life.

However…

I need to accept that food can never fill any other hole in my life. Food can only fill the food hole. I’m working to learn to embrace the place food has in my life, the healthy place, not the horrific substitute I’ve been forcing it to fit.

I’ve struggled my whole life to embrace God and use Him to fill the holes in my life. It isn’t that I’m doing it wrong. How I fail is that I grow impatient and shove God out of the way, determined to do it myself.

This new effort to give the battle to God has helped me recognize how often I say I give the battle to God and how often I actually hurry ahead and do it myself.

I still don’t know how to tackle my abuse of food. Maybe step one is recognizing that I’ve been attempting to fill non-food holes in my life with food and it needs to stop.

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Responses

  1. Defining the problem is half of the battle. Hugs.

    • I hope so. ((Ruth))

  2. Yeah, food is a funny thing. Especially when the narcissist has used it against you. I always felt deprived of both food and affection. My mom would have goodies in the house only for her and we’d get in trouble if we touched them. She always cooked very bland food. I know it probably sounds silly to many, but I think I just felt starved for everything – food, love, experiences, texture, freedom… So no wonder when I lived on my own I developed a full blown eating disorder when he seeds had been planted long before.

    Hugs. The food thing isn’t easy since we have to eat and food is so darn good.

    • Exactly, on both thoughts! I remember reading a book where the teenage son grabbed ice cream from the fridge and the daughter grabbed a bag of potato chips, and I was shocked they hadn’t asked for permission first. Then, when the mother saw them, she didn’t say anything! What was up with that? And that’s when I realized how insane my own situation was in that regard.

      Thanks ((Judith))


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