Posted by: Judy | August 31, 2015

Perspective on being bad…

I’m reading 40 Days of Grace by Rich Miller. I’m learning a lot and enjoying it.

I ran smack into the difference between those who have been abused and those who have not when the author talks about how a person doesn’t see him or herself as all that bad. He added that we all make mistakes and brush it off with the ‘no one’s perfect’ excuse.

Abuse survivors see themselves as all bad. We don’t simply make mistakes. We are the mistake. Some of us have been told we were a mistake. Some of us were treated like mistakes with the word only implied. The message was received, loud and clear, no matter what the supposed intent of those who shamed and blamed us.

I’m learning to embrace God’s Grace. It’s meant for someone like me. Of course, it’s meant for everyone and is offered to everyone. It’s a gift that isn’t withheld from me because of all the mistakes I’ve made. I know in my head I have accepted the freeing Grace of God. Old habits attempt to distract me and murmur I’m not salvageable. My hope in the truth keeps me from giving in to the degrading lies of the adversary.

On FB, Emerging From Broken shared a bit from The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engle:

“Emotional abuse is like brainwashing. It systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his or her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under guise of “guidance” or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value. The primary effects of emotional abuse are depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame, and self-destructiveness.”

Yes, a thousand times yes.

I’m still working at turning the battle over to God. I’m really lousy at it, but I’m not quitting.



  1. I really related to this. I remember the first time I tried therapy, I kept insisting that my family was awesome and that there was something g really wrong with me because I made them upset. I resisted the therapists attempts to try to get me to talk about my parents because they hadn’t done anything wrong, it was ME that was the problem. That I was broken somehow.

    I didn’t last long with her, maybe 3 visits. Looking back, I’m sure she was shaking her head at me and thinking, “Poor girl.”

    I still often think, “I suck. I’m not a good person.” If I look in my gut, I believe those to be true.

    • Yes.

      I didn’t talk much about my parents until my third counselor.

      In my head, I know “I’m not a good person” isn’t true, but the deep down in my gut shouts louder than my head far too often. It’s a battle. Maybe I need a reminder.

      • Well, I don’t think the real bad people think they’re actually bad… They think it’s everyone else’s fault.

        • Sadly true.

  2. I have the need to hold on to “they know not what they do”. On the other hand, “how could they do it?” Guess it doesn’t matter at some point

    • I wanted to believe NM didn’t know, but she did. However, she lies so much, rewriting history, sometimes as it happen, it really doesn’t matter if she knows or not. I’ve tried to hold her accountable, but the denial is so complete it’s useless. I’m working on accepting that it doesn’t matter. What matters is me choosing to not follow the same path, to make healthier choices, to smother the negative tape in my head. It’s doable, but I never anticipated how much work and how hard it would be. Battle on.

      • battle on!!

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