Posted by: Judy | August 26, 2015

Unexpected results…

On Sunday, I made the decision to turn my battle with NM over to God. Never did I imagine I released the hounds of hell. It only feels that way. It’s all so petty, and yet there’s a reason the cliche is “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Instead of simply giving me the time in the kitchen requested, NM makes excuses. She needs this or that from the kitchen. If she thinks I’m finished, she does what she wants, be it put away dishes or make her own meal. It doesn’t matter if I’m actually finished or not. I’ve made it a habit to prepare my food and eat in my room so I’m left alone. Then I wash my dishes. NM assumes I’m finished if I’ve left the kitchen.

The whole point was for her to leave me alone about my eating. She was told this, repeatedly. Monday, I received an email from NM stating her concern about my eating. Yes, we still live in the same house. For the record, this is not about me; this is about her need to control me.

I chose the time between 5 and 6 in the evening because NM and EF watch the news. They can watch the news, and I can make my dinner. Nope. They have to eat while they watch the news now, which used to be a huge no-no in our house. No news during dinner. It is astonishing how they are willing to compromise their choices in order to control me.

NM says she’s concerned about my having the time to prepare meals even as she hovers in the kitchen until the last possible moment, and even then she has to do one more thing… Yes, the insanity is astonishing.

I’m chanting, “Give the battle to God.” It’s difficult to concentrating on anything when I’m in constant defense mode. There is no safe place, no safe time.

NM tells me over and over again that she does everything I’ve asked. Except she doesn’t. She has never respected the simple time slots for me, not even for one whole day. Not a single day. I’m repeating myself. I’m reminding myself I’m not the one behaving in an insane manner. I’m tired of being treated like an extension of my parents.

Yesterday, I wasn’t proud of the way I behaved. NM told me she found a book I might be interested in, written in 1959 about English, non-fiction. I snapped, “No.” She kept explaining. “No!” Angry I snapped and yet sad, too. I’m not a huge fan of most non-fiction. I have to read them slowly to comprehend, so I’m making a huge time commitment when I decide to read one. I can put my non-fiction reading in two categories: Military, mostly SEAL biographies, and Christian. Yes, I have three going right now, but I only read a chapter a day, and they’re short chapters. It’s embarrassing; they’re Christian books, and I’m not feeling very Christian.

Peel all that away, and what bothered me? I’ve never been interested in reading about English. It’s the kind of book that would interest NM, not me.

I thought giving the battle to God would be so easy. It so isn’t. I want to fight back, even though I know it is absolutely useless. I also know that it’s the useless situations in which God specializes. I’m not giving up, but I needed to acknowledge how much more difficult this is than I imagined.

The battle belongs to God, not me.

I am such a little control freak. 🙂

I’m working on turning over my battles to God. Especially working to learn how to allow Him to use me in His Plan, remembering He is loving and infinitely patient.


Responses

  1. You need to put police tape (“Do not cross”) up on the kitchen entryway when it’s your time. 😉

    • I’d have to move it so they could leave. LOL!

  2. I suggested a child gate…


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