Posted by: Judy | August 20, 2015

Rule #1 Stop Lying, especially to yourself

This, by GAG-God Acceptance Gratitude Recovery April Grisham, was posted on FB, yesterday:

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I like it. I knew I should write a huge YES! I couldn’t.

I chose to be honest with myself. I struggle with this.

While the parents were gone, I lost 8 lb. I gained them back when they returned. I’m still choosing food-induced suicide. It’s a battle, granted, but not one I’m actually winning. I’m still alive and not giving up.

The games are maddening. They continue to play them and haven’t figured out that I’ve completely quit. I say nothing about how they violate boundaries every single day. I didn’t simply quit. I measured the cost and decided it wasn’t worth it. When I say anything or even intimate a problem it’s terrifying how lightning fast I am instantly the source of the problem. After all, they’re doing the best they can.

Something else I think I’m finally accepting: My mountains and valleys are cyclic.

Yes, I’ve been in a black mood for the last week. It won’t last, even though it feels like it will. It won’t. I was in mourning, grieving the loss of peace, the ability to let down my guard for a while. I’m crawling out of the hole, like I always do.

I already know Mother’s Day, and to a lesser degree Father’s Day, is a trigger. I need to prepare for the depression… no, for the time of mourning. Thanksgiving and Christmas as well. Okay, pretty much all holidays.

This is probably why I write my Holiday series. Celebrating all those holidays I had to pretend didn’t exist for the sake of sanity.

My attitude is on an upswing again. I’m being more careful about what I eat, and I’m not stuffing as much. Steps in a healthier direction.

Okay, I’ve identified the problem. Now what? Or as I’m wont to say, “What next, Lord?” I still can’t change them. I know this. I don’t expect anything different. My way of handling things is not healthy. I need a healthier alternative…

I got nothin’.

I do have time to think. Perhaps now that I have a clear picture of the problem, I’ll be able to better formulate a solution.

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Responses

  1. {{{{{{Judy}}}}}}

    • {{{{{{Judith}}}}}}

  2. Defining the problem is half the battle. Hugs you are amazing.

    • Thanks, Ruth.

  3. You are strong and good hearted. You can make healthier choices sometimes but be gentle on yourself when you don’t. Your living in a difficult situation, hard to steer that ship when your plugging new holes or bailing water or even thrown overboard . I’m starting to understand my self destructive tendencies. I’m choosing life more days than death, shifting the balance but its a struggle and my world is so small and safe now, all toxic people removed. You’re still in the fire getting burned its going to take longer to heal but you can do it. Cheering you on!

    • Thank you, rootstoblossom.


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