Posted by: Judy | August 11, 2015

Sharing a link…

Lady with a truck shared a link to Site for Creative Solutions. SfCS shared the post “Sensitive Children and the Adult Child in the Abusive Narcissistic Home.

http://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com/2013/01/10/sensitive-children-in-the-narcissistic-home/

It’s always a little disturbing to see myself so clearly revealed in a post written by a complete stranger. I could be discouraged. Strangely, I’m not. Why?

I read the post and clearly see what I struggle with every day. I’m sorry to know that this means I’m not alone, not in a small way but a major way. As sorry as I am to know so many struggle with the same things I do, because I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, I’m grateful to know that others survived so the way is available for me, too.

Too often, I feel like I’m in an endless tunnel with no light in sight.

For a bit of silliness in all this seriousness, the same thought popped into my head, but with slightly different bents: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and it isn’t a train. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and it isn’t an orc with a torch.

I know there’s hope for me. I’ve made progress. I am able to remember when I had absolutely no boundaries. I allowed others to influence me to an insane degree. I buried myself in order to please everyone. I was such a chameleon I lost myself in my efforts to blend.

Mind you, there were sparks of me, from time to time. However, I was so unfamiliar with my true self, I didn’t recognize that for a moment I’d allowed the mask to slip. I thought I was being unreasonable and needed to change that person. So many years wasted in the effort to squash the little bits of honesty that would burst out, from time to time.

Now, I work hard to unshackle the truth within me. I’m more successful than I’ve ever been, though I still struggle…

I still have times when I don’t express myself as well as I’d like. However, it’s been a long time since I can remember saying something and then thinking “What am I saying? I don’t believe that.”

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Responses

  1. I saw a lot of myself in that post too. If I’d stayed with my first husband, I would’ve been perpetuating what I grew up with (although to a somewhat lesser degree as my ex was narcissistic but not malignant). No wonder I felt so trapped the night before I married him. I’m glad I somehow found the strength to get out of that relationship despite the perceived “failure” of divorce after such a brief marriage. I have no idea how I got smart enough to choose better the second time around, but I’m grateful I did.

    Mostly, I think back in myself as this little girl who would hide out in her bedroom to stay out of my mother’s sight. She read my actions as a rejection of her rather than the self-protection that it was. Although ultimately, I guess I have rejected her. But the truth us, she rejected me first by never seeing me as anything other than an extension of herself.

    • “She read my actions as a rejection of her rather than the self-protection that it was.” Exactly! I know my decision to avoid NM hurts her feelings, but she refuses to do anything to change her hurtful behaviors. Sadder still, she sees herself as behaving differently. The lies are so engrained in her “storyline,” she doesn’t believe that she only sees me as an extension of herself.


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