Posted by: Judy | August 10, 2015

Schema 12…

12. SUBJUGATION – Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced – – usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. Yes. I am doing better.

Telemarketer phone calls fall under this one, I think. I hate them. The minute I realize it’s an opinion poll or the like, my rage flares. I feel invaded. I want to learn to handle this better. I think if I can, then it will go a long way to overall healthier defense of my boundaries.

This one is definitely about boundaries. Mine are improving, but my “fails” tend to be ones that I didn’t or can’t anticipate, like phone calls or notes left for me to find, letters… I know NM has no boundaries. I know to be vigilant when we’re in the same room. I endeavor to never be alone with her, but I have no control over the notes and letters when they’re on vacation.

Telemarketers/pollsters aren’t problems in and of them selves. I know people who have done it. They needed the paycheck. However, their call still wasn’t invited. They are a reminder, a trigger.

Maybe what I really need to work on is having a less violent/all-systems-on-alert response to unexpected violations of my boundaries. Is it possible? To be honest, I don’t think so.

Take a step back.

Anger is a secondary emotion. I learned long ago that my first is generally fear, with good reason. I was trained well. I’ve worked hard to reduce the fears and been successful enough to become a published author, travel, meet new people, try new things… Not bad for someone who wasn’t raised in love but fear. I am teachable.

I like tackling fear with humor. I need to find a way to reframe the fear response… no, I don’t want to reframe it. It’s healthy to be guarded when healthy boundaries are violated. I want humor to be an option, next to anger. Maybe I can’t put humor before anger, but maybe I could learn to move through anger faster to humor.

Yippee skippy. More practice.

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Responses

  1. Telemarketing calls annoy me to the point that I don’t answer the phone if I don’t know the number on caller ID. If I do somehow answer, I am very curt and hostile sounding, and typically end the call while they are mid-spiel by saying, “I’m not interested” then hang up without waiting for a response. I don’t think many people have positive responses to telemarketers, although some must since people keep making the calls. :-/

    • That’s pretty much what I do, but I sometimes receive calls on my parents’ line. They refuse to ask for names or the purpose of the call… oh. They won’t even take the simplest steps to establish basic boundaries. They blow up about the telemarketers but won’t do anything to screen the calls. Wow. Crazy. I want to create a healthier response, one that doesn’t leave me fuming and muttering even hours later.

      • Yuck. We don’t have a landline anymore, so any calls come just on the cell. It’s like you can’t escape the lunacy. {{{{{{Judy}}}}}}

        • Nope. Laugh or cry or rage; I’m working to learn to laugh. 🙂 Thanks {{{{{{{Judith}}}}}}}


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