Posted by: Judy | July 23, 2015

Running away aka escaping

When I lived in Europe, I came to the realization I needed to take off my gypsy boots and stop running away. This decision is why I chose not to stay in England when I was offered the opportunity.

I understood that I needed to face what I feared. What I didn’t understand was that the insanity was not mine. It took me years to figure that part out.

It wasn’t until I was with my third counselor that I finally accepted that it really wasn’t me. There wasn’t something I needed to change. There wasn’t a magic formula. I couldn’t simply try harder to make it all work. It wasn’t me.

Last Sunday, Darlene Ouimet from EFB the book posted this on FB:

No matter which coping method issue that I look at within myself, I have determined the core of it to be related to trying to leave myself. There is a disconnection from myself that I developed when I was a child; it was my way to escape and I became attached to it. Every time I examine one of those “still tangled threads” I keep coming back to this disconnection that it seems I actually seek- escaping myself. I am convinced that at least one of the reasons that I am attached to this “leaving myself” is because when I was a child, dissociation is what worked for me.

I knew I’d been running away from my situation. It never occurred to me, until I read this, that I was running away from myself. The struggle I’m having now is that I’m still attempting to run away from myself. The chase is easing up as I learn better skills, but knowing this new bit of information will broaden my scope.

A part of me understood this, but not a conscious part. As I explore the idea, I think it’s a bit painful to realize I’ve been running away from me all this time. It’s so obvious now I see it.

I stopped running away from the situation thirty years ago. I need to stop running away from me. I learned embracing the situation wasn’t healthy. Now, I need to learn something new: I need to learn to embrace me… I need to believe I am capable of handling the tribulations in my life because God is with me, and He is always sending inspiration and angels to help me.

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Responses

  1. My drinking was me running away from my feelings, particularly sadness and anger. It worked for me… until it didn’t and became clear I was rather quickly killing myself.

    I still am not great with my feelings, but bitty to acknowledge them, which gives my self-harm tendencies less power.

    I have to admit, running away to Europe sounds rather lovely 😉

    • Good point. I run away using food.

      Not sorry I ran away to Europe when I did. It was amazing. 🙂

  2. The difficulty with integration was they hated each other and themselves. Finally loving yourself is more than a Flylady motto. Hugs.

    • ((Ruth))


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