Posted by: Judy | July 16, 2015

Punishing myself…

I was watching Extreme Weight Loss, and the host Chris Powell talked about the most recent person they helped, Jenn. What an amazing story. She missed one goal after another, but she never gave up. She hit the last goal, the one that mattered.

Chris explained how she felt like she needed to be punished and had put herself in a prison of her own making.

This resonated so clearly with me. I’d never thought about how I’ve imprisoned myself inside my body. How sad is that?

It’s also frustrating. I was improving, and then I messed up my ankle and knee over a year ago. I slowly worked my way back. I fell again. I was slowly working my way back. A week ago, I noticed I was walking without pain in the back of my lower leg. The other day, as I left the store, I felt a tearing pain above my ankle and below my calf. Right back where I was after my last fall. So frustrating.

I am working to eat better. Sometimes I succeed. Often I fail, but I keep working to improve.

The past year has been brutal. I’ve had to work through a lot of anger, especially anger at my inability to escape.

Sometimes, I’m tired of being patient, tired of trying yet again, tired of no noticeable changes, tired of feeling stuck, tired.

Though I am weary, I will not give up. I still trust God has a plan, He is aware of me, He has not abandoned me.

The only one imprisoning me is me. I need to set myself free… Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. I need to allow God to change my heart, to feed the light within me.

I have to start somewhere. I suppose instead of thinking about where I should be, I need to start right where I am. It sounds so easy. It so isn’t.

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Responses

  1. True, it isn’t. But it helps. It also weirdly helps me to at some level embrace what is. Not to hold onto it, but to acknowledge and welcome its role in my growth so it can move on. Good luck to you with all this. Our souls are in our bodies but we are not trapped. On many levels, you soar!

    • Thank you! What a lovely thought.

  2. Bummer about the leg
    Keeping you my prayers.

    • Thanks, Ruth. It is improving faster, I think. 🙄

  3. I just want to give you a hug. I totally get the self-punishment. It’s like the criticism from our parents got internalized and eats us up inside.

    My husband and I are talking about taking a trip out to Arizona next year. Fingers crossed that we can work one out and I can get a croissant with you 🙂

    • Hopeful! 🙂


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