Posted by: Judy | July 14, 2015

Schema 9…

9. FAILURE TO ACHIEVE – The belief that one has failed, will inevitably fail, or is fundamentally inadequate relative to one’s peers, in areas of achievement (school, career, sports, etc.). Yes, despite having 10 novels, 5 novellas, and a short story published.

Oh, dear. Still a really tough one.

Honestly, I don’t know how to work around this one.

Clearly, the problem doesn’t lie in achievement, considering how many books I have published. I’ve never been fired from a job and laid off only once because of a shake up in the employment structure. I couldn’t compete with the daughter of the boss. I’m okay with that.

If I could have been a professional student, I would have excelled.

It’s difficult to see myself as anything but a failure when I’m still living at home. Now, if it had been 80 years ago, no one would think it strange. It’s a small part of why I loved The Hiding Place. Corrie ten Boom was living at home in her 40s. It wasn’t only acceptable it was expected.

The home thing is really the biggest stumbling block. If I cut that from the picture, what do I see?

I see someone who has lived in Yellowstone, Thailand, and England. I’ve worked a variety of interesting jobs. I’ve owned a dog and a horse. I’ve met a wealth of amazing wonderful people. I’ve worked hard to not give in to the anger and depression. A daily battle, but the important this is I’m still fighting.

Sadly, no matter how often I remind myself of all the good things I’ve done and continue to endeavor to do, I see too clearly the failures.

Step back.

What am I doing to overcome this?

Am I doing anything?

Yes, I am.

I keep picking myself up every time I fall. Every day I choose life I win, no matter how crumby the day is. I haven’t given up. I keep writing. I keep doing my job. I keep working on improving my relationships. I keep working to let go of the anger and trust God.

I have made so much progress. How is that a failure?

It isn’t.

I struggle with this, but I am improving, with practice. 🙂


Responses

  1. I struggle with both fear of failure and fear of success. Kind of a lot of push-pull noise in my head from that nonsense. I think action helps with these feelings, although sometimes they make me feel frozen in place. It’s progress, not perfection, I guess, that I do still manage to take steps forward most of the time.

    • Good point about the push/pull between fear of success and failure, one of my battles. ((Judith))

      • It’s what happens when someone likes to tear down your successes and gloats on your failures. Hugs to you too.


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