Posted by: Judy | July 6, 2015

Lengthy reminder…

Lyckliga Lisa, over at “When I’m Back Again,” shared a link. Her blog is in Swedish. Google Translate is a wonderful thing. I can translate her blog into English and translate my comments into Swedish. So cool.

https://whenimbackagain.wordpress.com/

Over at her blog she shared this link:

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2015/07/03/broadening-the-perspective-of-narcissistic-abuse-by-including-it-right-alongside-every-other-abuse-lets-call-it-what-it-is-emotional-and-psychological-abuse-that-can-occur-in-any-life-situat/

I’d mentioned in a previous post that I was working on turning things over to God and letting go. I experimented and shared what happened with my sister. The emotional explosion of rage made it clear I wasn’t nearly as sanguine as I wanted to be.

NM and EF had company for dinner, at 5:00. Shortly after lunch, EF asked if I wanted to join them. I said, “No.” Without explanation. First, I didn’t want the stress. Second, I was involved in the writing camp and wanted to meet my word goal, which would require throwing myself into it. (I exceeded my goal that day, but it’s been a struggle ever since. I now suspect it’s because of what happened.)

At 4:30, I went out to the kitchen simply to grab the bottle with cream I had in the fridge. I’d already planned my dinner of toast, but I was out of butter. I can edit while I make butter. NM asked if I wanted to join them for dinner. “No.” I was almost back to my room, when she added, “You can eat it right now, if you want.” “No!” What part of NO don’t you understand ran through my head but didn’t come out of my mouth.

Of course, I felt a little guilty. I actually would have enjoyed the company. After five, I made my toast and did a surreptitious inspection of what was for dinner. NM’s homemade soup. She likes onions. I can’t eat them. It has been repeatedly established I cannot eat her soup, and yet she offers it again and again. I always say, “No.” I often explain the problem, and still the question comes, especially if there is company around to hear me say, “No.”

What else was on the menu? Whole grain bread. Can’t eat that either. Carrots. Nope, can’t eat those. Grape tomatoes. Oh, goody. I can eat those.

So, I was invited to a dinner at which I’d be able to eat essentially nothing. Really? Really. And yet, I’m the most ungrateful, difficult child. They offer me so much, and I refuse their kindness.

Okay, I can now laugh at how incredibly insane that sounds.

Laughing is the only way to truly let it go. Until I can laugh at it, I’m still clutching the hurt and frustration and all the secondary emotions tangled up in it. Never realized that before.

I did discover leftover mashed potatoes and beef in the fridge, later. I enjoy both, however, I’m leery of anything NM cooks. I have no idea how long the beef sat out. I’m usually sick after eat anything she prepares. She’s proud of the nickname “Salmonella Sal.” This does not change the fact that I already had plans of my own, and they expect me to change at the last minute. At least EF asked me a few hours before. NM asked at the last minute…okay, it doesn’t matter when they ask. I prefer not to eat with them. It’s stressful. It isn’t pleasant. They don’t know how to have a relaxed conversation. They both give reports on what they’re interested in or doing or talk about people I don’t know. They don’t simply feed food, they feed information. I wouldn’t mind so much if it were information I wanted or even mildly held my interest. NM’s is about food, whatever her latest fad is, and EF’s is other people, usually what so-and-so’s son is doing…

There are plenty of reasons to argue why I should have accepted and why I shouldn’t. This is what narcissists and their flying monkeys create: Chaos, self-doubt…

Here is the only important reason: I said, “No.” My “No” should have been respected. Refusing to respect my “No” is disrespecting me.

NM swears she’s doing everything I’ve asked of her, even as she disrespects my “no” and invades the kitchen during my time and has a pan cooking on the stove during my time and dishes in the sink and clutter on the counters…this is not giving me alone time in the kitchen.

Rule #1: Stop lying, especially to yourself.

It’s painful and frustrating to struggle with this myself, but it’s also painful and frustrating to interact with people who swear they don’t lie even as they lie.

I’m still praying I learn to turn it all over to God.

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Responses

  1. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling, Judy. These things ARE just so painful. And frustrating.

    My in-laws continually offer for us to stay at their home. They have a dog and I’m very allergic (it causes asthma attacks and allergic reactions). This has been a point of contention with them for the whole time I’ve been with my DH. It’s been explained to them over and over and over that I can not be around the dog (during holidays, they invite the family’s four other dogs over too. And they all have to stay in the house.) Yet, it is MY fault that I can’t stay there. I’m ungrateful and “unwilling” to be a part of the family they claim. As if I’m making some sort of choice. So, I understand how frustrated you must be by the dinner invitation.

    Sending you supportive thoughts.

    • Wow. That’s crazy, on their part! ((Jessie))

      • They have used this fact to scape goat me over and over in the family. I could not wrap my head around it at all.

        • Sometimes difficult to realize you’re the sane one.

  2. My mom is weird about food too. Very passive-aggressive about it. It’s definitely trying to control our basic needs. Hang in there, friend.

    • About the controlling: True! Thanks ((Judith))

  3. ((Judy)) I hadn’t thought of it like that, I think Judith’s passive aggressive comment is correct. Indeed, No is a complete sentence.


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