Posted by: Judy | May 27, 2015

So much going on…

On May 12, I was on day 3 of being in a very dark place. I couldn’t write. I had trouble putting two thoughts together. I’d gathered my lunch and dropped it on the floor. There is no three-second rule in this house. I know what’s clean and what isn’t. I wanted it all to end, but I’d made a promise to never quit. What do you do when you’re backed into a corner like that?

I asked God for a breadcrumb. Yes, I’ve done this before, recently, and shared it here. I’m always awed by how God provides.

I hadn’t tackled all my emails, yet. I decided to look at Evan Sanders’:

http://thebettermanprojects.com/2015/05/11/black-smoke-in-the-sky-dont-lose-your-bite/

I think these dark times are me realizing something needs to change and yet not knowing how to frame it or actually make the changes I need.

I don’t listen to my body very well. I’m working on it.

I don’t know how to sit with my anger. I need to learn.

I do know how to sit with most of my other emotions.

For me, anger tends to be blinding rage. I battle it out in my head, silence on the outside and chaos on the inside, unless no one is home and then I scream and cry…

Back to the 12th, dropping my lunch was a last straw. I screamed and cried and raged. I hated my NM and EF, and I hated God. Then it slammed me in the face: I hate me. They are who they are. I can’t change them. I’m not who I want to be. I can change me. No one to blame but me.

I can’t change my situation at this point. I can’t change the people around me.

Yes, I know these things, but sometimes it helps to remind myself.

The only one I can change is me. I am not the only person on the planet who has ever had to remain in an unpleasant situation and make the best of it without sacrificing my integrity…

My counselor had me read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. Amazing book. He had me read it to help me understand that my situation is very like a concentration camp. I have no control over what goes on around me or over my guards. I do have control of what I make of it.

I’ve also read “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom. Amazing book. She lived in a concentration camp for a time. I have two amazing examples of people who lived in horrendous situations they could not change. As I read Corrie’s story, I saw myself more as Corrie than her sister, who was a saint. Corrie wasn’t as patient or as full of peace as her sister, and yet she was still an amazing woman.

If they can do it, I can do it.

I’m going to work on Scott Williams’ suggestion:

http://scott-williams.ca/2015/05/25/heres-your-mulligan/

You don’t need to see the link every day, but I do, so I’ll be posting it every day for a while.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. The days when it all accumulates or when a series of events that happen that cross my boundaries (usually it happens in 3’s) it becomes too much to handle. I hear you when you say hate, rage feels not understandable or frameable. Part of my uncomfortability with it was not knowing what it meant and partly because it was a reminder of my mother’s behaviors – so I felt scared, feared becoming her.

    I struggle facing those dark places today as well and I think that you are facing it courageously, identifying it and approaching it and have already made changes in your behaviors. Thank you for the links, they are helpful for where I am at today. I need a reminder to take a Mulligan now and then. ((Judy))

    • Yes! About the fear of becoming like her.

      You’re welcome. ((TR))

  2. I’m so sorry you’ve had some dark days recently. {{{{{Judy}}}}}

    • {{{{{{Judith}}}}}

  3. Hugs.

    • ((Ruth))


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: