Posted by: Judy | May 11, 2015

Follow Up on MD…

I wasn’t going to do this, but I need to do this. Not addressing it is running away, and I’m done. At least, I’m working at not running anymore. One more step in reclaiming my life.

On Sundays, I usually have three hours alone, while NM and EF are at church. I have too much pain sitting through a meeting much longer than fifteen minutes if I’m not able to lean forward, against something at exactly the right height. For example, going out to eat isn’t too much of a problem as I lean my folded arms on the table. Onward. NM came home early.

I was scared, angry, and then disappointed. I thought I’d have to scrap my plans for lunch. No running away. I worked through my emotions.

Anger is the most easy to identify and, in many ways, the most comfortable. It feels more powerful than fear does. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s also the warning that a healthy boundary has been violated. I look forward to that time alone; three hours without fear. This time, I looked more closely at the fear. Why was I afraid? She’s smaller than me, weaker than me, lost in her own lies.

I know what she can do, the cutting words or putting words in my mouth or twisting what I say and do. This is usually done when I’m alone. The fear was genuine and based on experiences I’ve had all my life, including recently. I’m not being silly or unreasonable. The adrenaline spike was a normal reaction to what was a potentially dangerous situation for me.

If I remained angry, then I allowed her to steal more energy and peace.

I made lunch and thoroughly enjoyed it.

This is the card I bought myself:

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It was one of the few cards that wasn’t specifically “for mother.” It simply wished a Happy Mother’s Day, like wishing someone a Happy Independence Day.

This is the lunch I made for myself:

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Fried rice and coconut shrimp, with milk and a butterscotch croissant. Yum!

My sister and her husband came by to visit NM and EF as well as my younger brother and his family. It was delightful.

Didn’t spend much time on social media, but didn’t allow it to upset me. I was… hmmm… I was actually able to be happy for my friends who have good relationships with their mothers. I didn’t feel the need to lie about mine or spill my guts about mine. A few of the pages I follow (Emerging from Broken and Healing from Complex Trauma…) addressed how difficult Mother’s Day is for some people. It was enough for me.

I did receive a note from NM, later in the day, but I’m not tackling it right now. I’ll share the other weird stuff, next week. A little distance might help. Testing the theory.

Overall, it wasn’t a horrible day. In fact, in some ways, it was pretty good. Nice changed from the past. Maybe next year will be even better.

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Responses

  1. I’m so glad you had a good day despite your mother. Was her coming home early the other shoe dropping in her most recent campaign?

    • I don’t think so. They probably opened the doors at church (it was beautiful), and she would say her allergies couldn’t take it. Maybe. I don’t know. Guessing the labyrinth of her intentions is beyond me.

  2. I like how you honor the fact that you had to mother yourself. Nurturing ourselves and validating the work we had to do is beautiful to celebrate the progress.

    • Thanks. 🙂


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