Posted by: Judy | May 5, 2015

I lost my temper… again…

Last Thursday. What was it this time?

I was moving empty water bottles from my storage room to the car, for refilling, and NM tried to help.

I’m horrible. I know.

I yelled at her to leave the empty bottles where they were.

I don’t like being disrespectful. She claims to be deaf when it’s convenient for her agenda, whatever it is.

What a nasty person I am.

This is the woman who talks to me through doors and hears my replies. She asked me a question, with her back to me, from an adjoining room while I was cooking and heard my reply in a normal tone of voice. She’s done this on numerous occasions, in front of others, who also wonder if she’s truly as deaf as she says.

I’m a witch.

“I just want to help.” Her hurt little voice.

“I don’t want any help.” I’m shrill, even to my ears.

I am the worst person on the planet.

Now, for another look at the situation:

I was already feeling awful. My body hurt. I was tired, as usual. I don’t doubt God; I do doubt me. I know I get in God’s way, a lot, and I don’t like myself for doing it. It’s stupid. It’s old habits I haven’t figured out how to replace.

NM and EF had been encroaching on me, a lot. Didn’t need stupid embarrassing dreams, too, for me to know I’m feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Writing was practically at a standstill. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong, and I couldn’t make it right.

I was running behind schedule. NM is slow, so I would have had to wait for her and direct her to where I wanted the bottles because she couldn’t take them outside to the car without shoes.

I’ve repeatedly told NM I’m not a good conversationalist first thing in the morning, unless I’ve prepared for it. My sister and I talk first thing in the morning, but I know it’s coming as well as the general content. I also talk to EF; it’s an exchange of unimportant information. No decisions required. I’ve even explained the difference to NM. She doesn’t believe me. She invariably demands specific information and/or direction and/or coherent thought, spur of the moment.

I was so mean, for wanting to do it myself.

She kept saying that she only wanted to help. Really, she kept saying it over and over again.

No. No, she didn’t. If she wanted to help, she would have moved out of the way. THAT would have been helpful. This is a frequent problem. She will stand in front of me asking if she can help, blocking my way. I’m carrying bags, and she won’t move so I can put the bags down. How does she not know that moving out of the way is helpful? Especially since I have repeatedly made the request.

So if she didn’t really want to help me, what did she want? She decided what was helpful because she wanted to do something that would make her feel good about herself.

She does not have the right to decide what is helpful to me. She has been told, repeatedly, what is helpful, but it isn’t what she wants to do. If it isn’t what she wants to do, it is dismissed, unless it serves her to manipulate it…

Insane. Truly insane.

What is helpful to me:

*Stay out of my way.

*Don’t interrupt me when I’m thinking.

*Respect my healthy boundaries.

These were requests/demands made last year when everything changed. A day doesn’t go by that at least one of those isn’t violated.

I don’t like having a reputation of being someone others need to “walk on eggshells” around. I don’t want to be that kind of person. However, I have to admit that NM and EF avoid me for a while. They still manage to violate at least one of the boundaries, every day, but not as often.

**Update: I wrote that Thursday morning. By Thursday evening, NM was back in the kitchen during my time and apologizing for upsetting me. I couldn’t even be in the kitchen alone for 5 minutes. This is not a good sign. It used to be losing my temper meant they avoided me. Not any more.

After thinking for a while, what really made me angry?

I want to believe her. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s the type of person I am. I’m furious at myself that after all this time I could still be so stupid as to want to believe she isn’t setting a trap.

The non-apology: “I’m sorry I upset you, but I only wanted to help.”

She took the incident she started and made it my fault, and I was in the wrong for not letting her do what she wanted to do, regardless of whether it actually did what she verbally said she wanted to do.

It appears NM has kicked into “kill her with kindness mode.” She’s sending short emails, so I can’t ignore her, can’t escape her, ever. She will keep it up until I give in, and then she will find something to say or do that will rip me to shreds.

Grace for my Heart posted a timely piece on anger:

https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2015/05/01/narcissistic-rage/

NM pushes buttons and pushes buttons and pushes buttons until I lose my temper. Then I’m unreasonable; she is the hurt party, and it’s all my fault.

Dear God, deliver me from evil.

They take advantage of me when I’m pleasant and rant about me when I’ve had enough and put my foot down. I am always wrong.

I’m tired.

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Responses

  1. Remember NM’s behavior is about ‘manipulation and control’ not helping you. Grace for My Heart said it right. I experienced mother’s non-helping on more than one occasion. Badgering to help is another form of bullying with a different twist. Hugs.

    • Thanks for the reminder ((Ruth))

  2. I hear you, narcissistic rage is tiring to deal with. Her behaviors seem to indicate a bruised ego b/c she can’t get away with what she has in the past and is now, like in the post, adjusting her tactics. The tactic of trying to get someone upset and then pointing the finger, ugh. That gets under my skin. We have limits and you can reach them even with the most patient person on the earth. If you are in a different place since Thursday, then what I say may be irrelevant at this time. You are NOT nasty, you are NOT a witch, you are NOT horrible. You reacted normally to someone crossing your boundaries and when made aware of it, keeps going. Your reactions are natural, her’s are crazy. (((Judy)))

    • I needed to hear what you had to say. Thanks (((TR)))

    • TR said it best. No wonder you’re exhausted. {{{{Judy}}}}

      • {{{{Judith}}}}

  3. Of course you are tired. The games are exhausting and draining. Blessings to you!

    • Thank you ((Cynthia))

  4. When someone continually crosses boundaries, over and over, and refuses to hear you say “NO” the only thing you can do is lose your temper.
    I so have been in this place. Both my ILs and my NM like to push me until I react. It always seems like something so simple (“a request to help”) but it’s so much more than that. That’s where the crazy making comes in. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that, what it looks like on the surface is not what it’s REALLY about. It is so hard to withstand that kind of crazy, to hold onto your truth, and to do it day in and day out. I so wish I could give you a hug.
    When I got married, both NM and NMIL “decided” what would be most helpful to me. All of the major decisions were how they tried to help me. Any sort of mundane labor like labeling the invitations? That was my job. And the whole time I was supposed to be “grateful” and “thankful” that they wanted to help. If I suggested I wanted something my way, I became a “bridezilla” and “controlling”. It was miserable. In addition, any time I tried to plan something so that it would go smoothly (considering I had more than a few people who were willing to cause chaos just for the attention) I was being “overbearing” and difficult. Nobody offered to actually HELP me. Or do something that would really lighten my burden.
    I’m sorry to hear you are struggling, but glad to hear that you are processing through it all. ((Judy))

    • That’s it, exactly! We’ll make it through. ((Jessie))


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