Posted by: Judy | April 20, 2015

Quote for thought about seeds…

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”
Cynthia Occelli

My body is not doing well. I did something to my knee. I’m working on my arm, with some excellent help. My ankle is still a mess. With my knee problem, my back is starting to bother me again, even though I’m doing my physical therapy.

I’m tired. I hurt. I’m angry. I’m scared.

NM has been violating boundaries every single day. I shared, last week, losing my temper. A few days later, I lost my temper again when EF implied I was withholding information. It was information about other children in the family. I didn’t withhold anything because I didn’t know.

Last week, EF took a young man out to lunch to catch up. EF lost his dad when he was only five, so he tends to father any boy who comes across his path.

Yes, it hurts to know he spends more time with children that are not his own because they are boys. And yet, it dawned on me that I can’t remember the last time he took any of my brothers out to lunch to just talk.

Maybe NM and EF would know what was happening in the lives of their children if they bothered to make time to spend with them. Okay, they made a plan to spend time with the families of each child once a month. This worked for less than six months. Actually, it stopped working when they tried to do it with my sister and me. We didn’t want to spend any more time with them. The stupid part is that they didn’t continue to do it with our brothers.

They expect their children to show up and keep them informed. They believe that providing family dinner once a month covers it. In everything they do, there is an underlying sense of they’ve done their part and now the children need to do theirs. They completely fail to see how disconnected they are while they expect others to do the work to connect.

Here’s the kicker: The children tell them what’s going on in their lives. I’ve watched my siblings talk to them at family dinner. NM and EF don’t remember what they’re told… sadder still is that if it isn’t what they want to hear, it’s like it isn’t said and then they complain about not knowing. Seriously, I have watched my siblings tell them things, and then when it comes up again at a later date NM and EF will deny hearing it, even though they responded at the time of the conversation. And no this isn’t simply a matter of aging. I could wish. It would make sense. This has been going on for decades.

So, yes, I lost my temper again. In my own defense, I can deal with their insanity or deal with my pain. Right now, the pain is louder.


  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. Hugs and positive vibes being sent your way.

  2. I’m also sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. The more I read your blog, the more I wish you could find a way to make other living arrangements, so that at least you could have some proper distance from the issue at hand. In the absence of that happening, then I hope you continue to find pockets of peace, since we all need a few more of those.

    • ((ntexas99)) Thank you.

  3. Hugs.

    • ((Ruth))

  4. That is exactly it, we share stories and they don’t hear them. I don’t feel heard and poor listening skills is one thing, changing reality another. That part really gets me, the rewriting of others stories. I feel you on this. Last year I had a series of times when I lost my temper. (((Judy)))
    Glad to hear you are doing better. 🙂

    • Thanks ((TR))

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