Posted by: Judy | April 8, 2015

And this is why…

…I so rarely “pat myself” on the back. This is why I worry about the “don’t get cocky, kid.” Invariably, my world blows up in my face.

My books aren’t selling, and I learned my boss sold his practice.

I am dependent on my parents for financial survival. Yes, I hate myself for this. The words going through my head are “stupid, incompetent, loser, not enough.”

I also hate myself for this.

Do I believe God has a plan for me or not?

I do. I’m afraid of the plan. It didn’t turn out well for John the Baptist, Peter and the other Apostle… no, I’m not putting myself on their level. I’m saying that they were beloved of Jesus and look how it turned out for them? I’m not nearly as good as they were.

I’m allowing myself to mourn the loss of work I took pride in. Maybe I’ll feel differently later. Right now, I’m simply sad.

Then I see someone like Noah Galloway, who lost an arm and a leg in a roadside bomb and is now on “Dancing With the Stars.” He’s lost so much but has risen above. What am I lacking that I can’t rise above?

Then Warrior Landing posted this on FB:

‘To manage and maintain trauma identities, either consciously or unconsciously, takes up enormous amounts of energy. Unresolved trauma freezes high energy charge of the nervous system, collapses boundaries and containment of a healthy and resilient sense of self. This all adds and contributes to stagnation of energy flow in the body-mind systems and a depressed state of mind.’ Roland

http://www.post-traumata.com/ptsd-symptoms-3.html

NM has been violating boundaries and finding ways to control me. Most of it I’m able to shrug off but some of it has simply been out of my control no matter how I try to work it. And yes, that also makes me feel like a loser.

I want out, and the restrictions are closing around me with no way out I can see.

Hope for the Broken Hearted posted: Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8

Okay, God, what next?


Responses

  1. That viscious cycle… Insidious triggers that get us in the loop. My guess is that there will be some inspired writing following soon

    • Thanks for the blessed encouragement. ((Cynthia))

  2. Hugs.

    • ((Ruth))

  3. (((Judy))) You are a gifted writer. The lack of sales is not caused by a lack of talent, this I know to be true.

    I’m sorry you’re in a slump right now and the world probably seems bleaker with a controlling and critical mother invading your space. I’m also sorry that she can’t be of comfort to you. That’s now how the world is meant to be.

    Just remember: This Too Shall Pass. You will get a break eventually, maybe when you least expect it.

    Sending you some love and kindness today,
    CZ

    • Thank you for the gentle reminders ((CZ)) You are one of my blessings. God has sent so much encouragement today. I’m sharing it in my post tomorrow. You’ve added depth and words I needed to hear.

  4. You ARE brave. You will figure things out. Your options may seem limited, but that’s partly because you’ve been taught to see yourself that way. But it isn’t who you really are. Hugs.

    • It’s difficult to remember, even day to day. Thanks ((Judith))

  5. (((Judy)))

    • (((TR)))


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