Posted by: Judy | March 26, 2015

Unsettled and out of sorts…

This is more rant than anything else, until the last line. Feel free to skip.

The beginning of this week I sounded so “up.” I know. Yes, the swinging moods annoy me as well. I’m sorting through what’s troubling me.

I’m sleeping better, I think, so I’m not so sleep deprived I’m numb. Talk about a double-edge sword.

My writing is a struggle. Over a year now. Why? What’s changed?

Okay, having a BFF walk away was rough. However, I think I’m through the mourning process. It’s something else now.

NM and EF used to be gone for about six hours on Monday and Friday, three hours on Wednesday, Tuesday, and Sunday, and a few hours on Saturday. Now, they’re gone only a few hours two or three days a week.

I am on alert almost 24/7.

I’m supposed to have time in the kitchen. Oh, yes, I’m given time but not actually alone. They both wander through… need this or that… Counters are left wet or covered in what they’re working on. It’s pointed out that they’re giving me time to others, though it’s a lie.

Yesterday, NM asked if I needed the oven. She’s never bothered to ask before. Neither do they give me enough time to actually bake anything. It’s a non-question. She will tell others that she asked, and I said, “no.” It’s another lie.

They both interrupt my work, still.

Doors to outside are left unlocked more often. I check them regularly, for my own safety.

Notes are left for me explaining why the oven is left on when it’s obvious something is in there. I worried about the times the stove was left on with nothing on it.

They twist and turn the truth until it is unrecognizable.

Nothing changes.

I know, we’ve gone over this a million times and that isn’t much of a stretch. Sometimes I can handle it. Right now, I can’t. At least, not with any kind of grace… the one thing I want: To handle the difficult times with grace.

Maybe this is simply practice, more practice.

I’m tired.

Or is it something as simple as whether or not I have music playing?

My next experiment.

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Responses

  1. Bummer on the lies. That really doesn’t change. Changing your environment by playing music might be just the change needed. Hugs.

    • I’m noticing a difference with having music playing all the time. ((Ruth))

  2. I’m sorry you are having a rough time. Don’t get too hard on yourself for having human feelings about how your boundaries are violated. Your feelings are valid and not wrong to have. Hugs to you.

    • Thanks for the reminder ((Judith)) You’d think I’d remember this by now. 🙄


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