Posted by: Judy | February 16, 2015

Change…

I’ve been thinking about the direction of my life, and my blog, for a while now, as in the changes occurring.

Scott Williams brought it all into focus for me:

http://scott-williams.ca/2015/02/12/how-do-i-let-go/

I should send him a check for all the help he’s given me. Sorry, Scott, but I’m still poor as a church mouse, so I’m praying God sends you extra blessings.

Those who have followed me from the start of this blog, and some longer, will have noticed that this blog has changed a bit of late.

NM is giving me the silent treatment, for the most part, and yes, I’m grateful. It’s a blessing. She slips once in a while, but I’m never sucked into the insanity now. I know it isn’t me. I know I can’t change her. I know attempting to interact will only result in a feeding frenzy. I remain polite, but I’m really not masochistic.

Update from the original of this post a few days ago:

She sent me an email stating that she was endeavoring to give me the quiet I need, so she doesn’t interrupt my thinking. She says that she endeavors to be out of the kitchen five minutes before my time in there, but what she says she wants to do and what she actually does aren’t the same thing. The quiet I do notice and appreciate. It’s kind of sardonic. She doesn’t hear me when I do talk to her. It’s more like she’s found a way to justify the silence. I’m okay with that.

There will be those who say that I’m never satisfied. They don’t live here.

After everything, I might have believed her declaration of change if I myself hadn’t been late a few weeks ago. My parents gave me no leeway. NM was in the kitchen preparing their meal even though I was only five minutes late. Though there was plenty of space, as in 3 feet on the other side of her, she walked so close she brushed my backside. It’s creepy.

I’ll enjoy the quiet, but I’ll continue to keep a safe distance.

This blog is a reflection of me and my life. There will be less about narcissism, not because there is less of it, but I’m learning to recognize it and avoid it or deflect it. I don’t want it monopolizing my life. It did for a long time. I needed to learn to recognize it and develop ways of managing. I’m learning to let it go.

I’ll share more of a variety of things that interest me. I’ll continue to share links that interest me. I’m enjoying the debunking exercise. It helps clarify my perspective. I’m reading a wider variety of books and enjoying the learning process. I used to take classes at the local college in anything that caught my interest. I miss doing that. Blogs let me do it for free.

So, I hope my changes aren’t a disappointment. If there’s something my friends here would like me to explore, please feel free to make healthy suggestions. 🙂


Responses

  1. Positive change is good! I found myself writing less and less about my NM as I learned to live life less on her terms and more on my own. Im happy you’re finding yourself in a better place and that your blog will reflect that.

    I find it creepy that your mother just HAD to send you an email to make you notice she was “accommodating” you. Way to put the focus back on her instead of truly being a decent human being towards you. She couldn’t just DO the behavior–she wants you to acknowledge and praise it and thank her. Her treatment of you is just gross, and you’re right that how she has to physically get into your personal space is super creepy too.

    • Thanks, Judith. And thank you for putting into words what NM is doing. You’re right; I sort of see it, but finding the words is still difficult.

  2. I think it’s just natural that your blog would evolve as your life continues to evolve … one is a reflection of the other. That’s one of the things that writing can do for a person … it can give them a space to sort things out on paper, and in the process, offers a perspective of how things are changing in that person’s life. Anything that feels natural is what you should be writing about, and it seems you’re already moving in that direction. Your blog should be about adding something to the quality of your life, no matter what the subject matter might be, so I applaud your willingness to shift the focus of your blog, if that’s what feels like the next logical step for your blog. 🙂

    • I like that “adding something to the quality of your life…” Yes, I think that describes it well, improving my quality of life, expanding my world… Thanks, ntexas99. Always a pleasure to see you here.

  3. i work for Kit Kats. Love your blog!

    • 😀 I can do that, but I fear they’d melt before they left the post office. Thanks, Scott!


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