Posted by: Judy | December 17, 2014

Yes, this…

My response when I read this about C-PTSD:

Shared from PTSD Break The Silence with Exa Marie Jones.

Of the events: 8 out of 11


Rage turned inward: Co-dependence. I’ve worked hard to overcome this one. I’m no longer emotionally dependent on my parents, but I’m still financially dependent. I don’t see a way out, but I am working on it. I’ve been a doormat. I’m working on changing that, too.

Rage turned outward: Becoming a control freak. Do not mess with my routines. The rage explodes in a flash. I scream and cry but usually only if I’m alone in the house where no one hears me.

Other: Learned hyper vigilance. Clouded perception or blinders about others (especially romantic partners). My dog was my early warning system. It’s because I would mold myself to what I thought my date wanted that I haven’t dated in years. I don’t think a single guy dated the real me. I always conformed, adjusted, compromised. Too much of it wasn’t worth fighting.

Seeks positions of power and / or control: Choosing to become a “fixer” – Therapist, Mediator, etc ~ I was the unofficial fixer for my friends. I chose not to pursue being a counselor because I knew I struggled with healthy boundaries. I’m self-employed.

Avoidance – Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure. I’m working to learn to not do this, but yes, it still happens sometimes.

Blaming – Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem. I struggle not to slip into this one. There’s a difference between blaming and assigning responsibility. I was blamed for everything; I had to learn what wasn’t my responsibility and what was. I’m still learning.

Catastrophizing – Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a “worst case scenario” and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events. I excel at this, and my counselor worked to help me improve. Again, there’s a difference between recognizing how awful things have been and making things worse than they are. There are a lot of little things in my life that aren’t catastrophic, but the duration makes it catastrophic.

“Control-Me” Syndrome – “Control-Me” Syndrome describes a tendency that some abuse victims and some people who suffer from personality disorders have to nurture relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or “acting-out” nature. Yes, sometimes I want someone else to be in control… when I’m scared, uncertain, don’t know which way to go. I’m grateful God gives me the opportunity to work through those times.

Denial (PD) – Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen. So many things I was told never happened but did. Things I didn’t want to believe happened. Plenty of things I don’t remember happening. I’m doing better.

Dependency – Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by one adult individual on another for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well- being. I’m still financial dependent. I’m not proud of it. I’m working to change it. Actually, there are ways I could escape, but I feel like I’d be selling my integrity.

Depression (Non-PD) -Depression is when you feel sadder than your circumstances dictate, for longer than your circumstances last – but still can’t seem to break out of it. I think it’s important to remember that depression is suppressed anger. Sometimes, it’s the best choice. I’m not sure I know how to live without being depressed.

Escape To Fantasy – Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who routinely shun transparency with others and present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world. I used to be whoever others needed me to be. I’ve been accused of being brutally honest, a porcupine, rabid in my intensity, overly sensitive whenever I attempted to simply be me. I’m doing better at being me. I’ve lost friends, but it’s easier to remember to simply be true to myself than to attempt to please others. Having said all that, I am a writer. 🙄

Fear of Abandonment – This is a biggy for me. I earned it. I’m working to give it to God.

Hyper Vigilance – It’s wearing. I don’t know how to change this one. It did help to have a dog. Dog was on guard, I could relax.

Identity Disturbance – Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view. This is less of a problem now. The truth campaign made all the difference.

Learned Helplessness – This is a huge battle for me. I know I’ve been taught this, and I learned my lessons well. However, I’ve also learned I’m capable. I stepped into the unknown numerous times. It isn’t easy. I’ve self-published through Kindle, but I haven’t worked up the courage to sign up with CreateSpace, yet. I’ve been working up the courage all year. It will be done.

Low Self-Esteem – Definitely.

Panic Attacks – Not as bad as they used to be. I’ve learned to catch the warning signs early and talk/breathe myself down.

Perfectionism – This is a good thing with my dictation. I’ve worked hard to learn to shift to the idea of complete, finished, whole. Writing actually helps this process. No book is perfect. I will always find something to change in everything I write. It doesn’t mean the book isn’t good when it’s published. It simply means I’m growing.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia – Tough one. I know I have it. I’m not sure it’s necessarily a bad thing, in some cases. Some of it, I know, is linked to straightening out the lies I’d been fed all my life.

Self-Loathing – Still struggle with this, from time to time, but I am improving. It isn’t as often and doesn’t last as long.

Tunnel Vision – Tunnel Vision is the habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities. This is a survival skill. Again, I’m learning healthier balance.

I want to explore treatment in tomorrow’s post. This is enough for one day.

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