Posted by: Judy | December 9, 2014

Holley Gerth on enough…

One of my ever nattering thoughts is about being enough. Holley Gerth spoke to it:

http://holleygerth.com/worry-youre-enough/

I know the murmurs about not being enough are lies. Sometimes, it’s so difficult to silence them. Reminders are always helpful.

My writing hasn’t gone well the last few months. This tears at me, the core of me. I’m a writer, and I’ve struggled to put words on the page. The stories in my head stutter and stop at the edge of my thoughts, never moving through my fingers to the keyboard.

I attempt to imagine myself doing something else. The dark void is terrifying.

I looked up my stats at Amazon. My books aren’t selling. Why am I doing this?

When I started this adventure, I promised myself that if my books helped only one person I’d be happy. I know, for a fact, each book has helped at least one person. So, why am I not happy?

I lied to myself.

I’m not asking for a New York Times Best Seller. Actually, I don’t write the kind of the stories that make that list. Yes, I made a conscious decision going in. In the early stages of choosing writing, I waffled between writing steaming romances and Christian romances. I knew I could make considerably more money with the former, but the stories kept drifting into the realm of the latter.

However, my books don’t meet the typical Christian standard, either. Either the hero or the heroine or both have abuse in their background. My heroes and heroines live happily every after, but that doesn’t mean everything ends up all neat and tidy. I pour myself into my books. Life is messy. I don’t know how to write it any other way. I give to my characters what I want for myself.

I’m not looking to be independently wealthy, but I would like to be independent… I want to be enough.

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Responses

  1. ((((((Judy)))))))

    • ((((((TR))))))) Hugs are good, too. 🙂

  2. My guess is that it really comes down to marketing, not that your books aren’t “enough”. Frankly, I bet there is a decent audience for abused heroes and/or heroines in the Christian romance genre. I know that for many, many of the more straightforward romances, the main characters are damaged in some way, frequently by their FOO. I admit, I’m not terribly familiar with Christian romances (I know there’s a whole subgenre of “inspirational romance” in Romantic Times magazine), but I did notice that your publisher is not among those who get featured in that magazine. I know you are very happy with your publisher but have you thought about maybe querying a new book or series with one of the larger Christian romance publishers, especially as you’ve gotten several publications out in the world now?

    Writing fiction is not a great way to make a living for most people so most writers have to have other jobs to pay the bills. But it is a calling.

    Hugs to you. I know it is hard when the muse isn’t working with you.

    • Ugh. “Straightforward” wasn’t the right word. Mainstream, maybe?

      • I knew what you meant. 🙂

    • Yes, it’s marketing. I’m terrible at it.

      The reason I chose the company I did and not one of the big publishers is I didn’t fit. Funnily enough, the major Christian romance publishing companies have a list of parameters. For example, the hero/heroine cannot lie, unless it’s before they’re Christian. As we know, abuse victims lie. Overcoming the lying is part of an abuse survivor’s journey. It doesn’t exclude us from being Christian. In fact, it’s my faith in Jesus Christ that helped me survive.

      They also don’t allow for the natural physical responses to the chemistry between a couple. The emotional response has to be the focus. Yes, I see the hypocrisy in this directive.

      I chose to write what I do because so many of the Christian romances meant nothing to me or made me feel dirty. The saccharine sweetness instead of uplifting me left me feeling like I couldn’t experience any of it. I was never that sweet or that innocent. I couldn’t relate to the characters.

      My publisher attends the RT conference every year and has expressed her frustration with how they ignore the smaller publishers. My indie friends also complain about how they’re ignored.

      You’re right about writers having other jobs. I did and do, but I’m not doing well there either. I simply tackled this one, today.

      (((Judith)))

  3. Hi Judy, I love your heart and honesty in your blogs. I only recently started reading Christian fiction books bc/ only recently did I discover how wonderful they can be! I’m loving Francine Rivers: “Redeeming love” and ” The Mark of the Lion Series.” (I’m praying there are many more like this that I simply haven’t discovered yet…) Her characters are completely broken- like us! And she finds a way to weave many bible stories into her stories, which are real page turners!There is only one YOU and the world needs what is in YOUR heart! (it can be so tempting to seek people approval over God’s approval…)Follow your heart and know that when you do, there will always be resistance! Also, I don’t know if it would help you but I’ve been meaning to recommend “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyers. (this in regards to one of your earlier posts…) Some of the exercises she mentioned helped me uncover some faulty thinking/lies that I had believed for years that ultimately impacted every relationship in my life. By God’s grace and with some help of a few close friends, I was able to replace the lies with God’s truth… and at last break free to be me. This is way longer than I intended, but you have been in my thoughts and prayers. Praying God’s all sufficient grace, truth, and light illuminate the paths ahead of you.

    • Thank you, Sunnyheart! I have one of Francine Rivers’ books in my TBR (to be read) pile. I’m moving it closer to the top. I’ve also added Joyce Meyers’ book to my wish list.

      I appreciate the reminder about resistance. It’s a struggle to remember when I’m in it. 🙂

      I’m grateful for you prayer. May God bless you.


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