Posted by: Judy | November 17, 2014

Post on narcissism…

…over at The Narcissistic Continuum…

http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/11/egocentrism-or-narcissism-antagonism.html

I liked how CZ stated that her narcissism is not the kind that causes PTSD.

CZ helped me address some of my concerns.

I’m aware I have narcissistic tendencies. In my head, I know this is normal. Everyone has them. The idea is to learn to control the unhealthy aspects. I know I also learned narcissistic behaviors. I’ve worked hard to change them. I’m still working.

I’ve been fretting about failing. Reading through her article, she clarified what is unhealthy narcissism. I’m in no way perfect, but I was relieved to be able to admit that I’m learning to be a better person. I’m working to make healthy changes in my life.

My narcissism is not the kind that will cause PTSD.

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Responses

  1. It helps to have distinctions between healthy and unhealthy narcissism clarified such as in CZ’s article. I have unhealthy narcissism and understanding the ‘what’ of that unhealthiness helps to make changes and not feel so lost in the big word: ‘unhealthiness’. xx

    • Exactly! It’s so frustrating when I know “something” needs to change, but I can’t figure it out because I’m looking at it from my unhealthy upbringing. I really hate it when people say things like “everybody understands this.” Ummm… no. I understand that being told what IS healthy is important, but it’s useless if it makes no sense to me. Permanent changes requires starting where I am and taking one step at a time. CZ gave me a starting place.

      • I’m laughing with you on this because that is my exact thought : “Ummmm…No”. It has been a relief to have a starting place. I feel so too about CZ. xx

  2. Thank you, Judy! TR, too! When that sentence rolled off my keyboard, it made me laugh because it was so simple. I’m glad it helps us put a stake in the ground as a starting point. If we aren’t giving people ptsd, we’re safe enough for relationship. Good enough for friendship.

    Some of the best friends I ever had were the ones who questioned my certainties and forgave my mistakes. I don’t think we can do “recovery” without good friends who have a solid enough sense of self to “pull our covers”. But they do it in a kind way and they aren’t trying to hurt us, demean us, prove they’re superior (or “right”). They don’t try to silence us. That’s essential for people like myself who kept secrets to protect a perpetrator’s honor. It was very hard for me to admit to anyone that my ex was having an affair. Maybe preserving the family’s image was a narcissistic thing for me to do (that lasted about a year), but he was the one giving his family ptsd, traumatizing us to serve himself. That’s a significant distinction worth noting!

    Hugs
    CZ

    • I find that my friends who are willing to call me on what I say don’t call me a liar but instead tend to do so as a point of exploration. They know I ask questions and encourage me to keep asking. {{CZ}}

  3. I am not an expert but I spent 10 years with a narcissist/psychopath and another almost 5 years trying to heal after leaving him. I might be able to shed some light on this for you from what i have learned. Have you ever read anything written by Dr Robert Hare, he is the leading researcher on narcissism and psychopathy. He has studied them for over 30 years. There is also Sam Vaknin, who is a narcissist/psychopath and gives very honest in sight into the disorder.
    I don’t know any of you but I know one thing, any narcissists I know don’t usually admit it and they do not see themselves as flawed in anyway. They feel they are superior to normal people because they are not encumbered by feelings of guilt, remorse, or empathy. They have done brain scans and a narcissist’s brain is not the same as a “normal” person;s brain, they do not have the same wiring, they physically can not feel empathy, they can fake it, they are excellent actors but eventually their true colours will show.
    They will fake love in order to manipulate someone into giving them what they want without any guilt.
    Everyone has narcissistic traits, we need them in order to succeed in life, some people have more than other. Have you been diagnosed as a narcissist? or are you just a selfish person who wants to change? You could be Borderline PD, I would be careful about calling yourself a narcissist, they are very evil people.

    • You’re right. I’m learning to be more careful about how I use the term. I do recognize that there’s a difference between the narcissistic psychopath and BPD. Another blogger, Harpy’s Child, shared a list regarding the traits of a Narcissistic mother. The link is posted on my Resources page. Part of the process has been accepting that in growing up with a narcissist, I learned some narcissistic behaviors. Before I could change those behaviors, I needed to recognize what they were. Children are also often described as being narcissist by nature, i.e., the world revolves around them. The idea is to learn and grow out of it. Thanks, Carrie, for the suggestions and the reminder.


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