Posted by: Judy | November 4, 2014

The trust breaker I ignored…

As I thought about yesterday’s post and read what others thought, I realized I needed to admit I’d been ignoring an obvious breech of trust. It wasn’t big. I brushed it off. I shouldn’t have. I should have paid attention. It was such a little thing.

NM and EF say that they want me to succeed and yet do exactly what they’ve been asked not to do.

In the “explosion” last June, my sister and I both expressed concern repeatedly that my parents make it a habit of interrupting me when I’m working and it needed to stop.

We told them that they need to allow me to initiate conversation because I’m so often working through problems in my head. If I initiate the conversation, then I’ve turned off the writing part of my brain in a logical place for me. When they demand my attention they break my thought process, like turning off a light switch, except when I turn it back on I don’t pick up where I left off. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve lost a train of thought and been unable to bring it back. I waste time trying to remember, and I’m frustrated by the loss of the idea and the time.

It’s actually kind of creepy that they cannot leave me alone. If I were in an actual work office, they wouldn’t have access to me. Yes, I’ve given them this example.

I’ve told them that I use my breaks to make a meal or even wander the house as an opportunity to think through problems with what I’m writing. I’ve told them that greeting me is an interruption. It feels like they have turned it into a competition, both of them greeting me and expecting separate replies. On the other end, sometimes it’s a competition of I didn’t talk to her but you did… Insanity.

They ignore the sign on the door that says “Writer at Work.”

Someone who wants you to succeed doesn’t take repeated opportunities to sabotage you.

I think the important lesson I learned in this is that I don’t have to be angry to be distrustful… I am able to accept I don’t trust them without needing to be angry, too. I can be at peace with myself and not trust people.

Yes, I’m saying it different ways because sometimes one won’t have the impact another will. The hazards of being a wordsmith. A sense of humor is invaluable.

Update: Yesterday, I received an email from NM expressing her concern about my unhealthy hermit behavior. That wasn’t nasty at all. *sarcasm* (Never mind I’m in the midst of edits, and yes, they’ve been told.) I let the email sit for a short while, and then I emailed all my siblings with the content of the email and my feelings and perceptions regarding it. I will not reply to NM. It was an attempt to control me and isolate me, predatory behavior. I am not prey. Not anymore.

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Responses

  1. I think when there is ‘listen to what I say, not what I do’ system in a parent-child relationship, you are right, a big trust is broken. It is abusing the unconditional trust a child puts in his/her parents. I often think that if we had met our parents outside of the parent-child context (like at work or school), would we have trusted them? ((Judy))

    • Yes, the “do what I say not as I do” is a trust breaker, on all levels. It falls into the same category of saying “I’m sorry” but doing nothing to change the behavior that elicited the need to say “I’m sorry.” Falls into the realm of the insanity definition = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You’re definitely right about never trusting them outside of the parent-child context. I wouldn’t even choose them as acquaintances. Too unpredictable. Thanks for the insights ((TR))

      • Hahaha, me neither, not even as acquaintances.

        • 🙂

  2. I like the idea that you are trying to remove the anger part of the equation (which has a negative impact on YOU, and no impact on them), and that you are stepping even further back from the situation and viewing it from a different perspective. I’m proud of you for working through this without feeding into their unhealthy patterns. It probably feels somewhat empowering to be working through this in your head, versus reacting in a physical or emotional way, and has the added bonus of helping you see things through a different lens. Smart cookie.

    • Thanks, ntexas99. 🙂

  3. I think sometimes I felt horribly guilty for NOT trusting my mother. Like something was wrong with ME. And that a lot of my anger came from that. (BTW, I still don’t think being angry is a horribly thing in a case like this. Resentful, bitter? Yup, let those go. But the anger is reminding you to really look at what is going on.
    I don’t see you as “distrustful” Judy. (And I know, myself in particular, see being distrustful as a negative character trait. But I don’t want to assume you feel that way too.) I see your MOTHER as being untrustworthy. There is a huge difference, in m opinion. You seeing your mother (parents) as untrustworthy is based on the facts of the situation, and not because you have some character flaw.
    Hang in there. I think having your own parents sabotage you and knowing they can not be trusted is a really difficult experience to work through. I’ve been there too (am still there). Hugs.

    • You’re right. It IS important to acknowledge that recognizing someone is not trustworthy is not the same thing as me being distrustful. Thanks for reminding me. ((Jessie))


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