Posted by: Judy | September 18, 2014

Mini Rant…

…so it’s out of my head.

In the blow up, last June, it was determined I would have specific times to have access to the kitchen to make my meals. Those times were violated from the very first day. Not surprising. In fact, expected.

I threw away the schedule. NM re-created it and posted it on the fridge and continued to violate it, from time to time. Again, not unexpected. To be honest, I’ve simply reached the point where I don’t care anymore. A while ago, I stated I was done. I meant it.

So, why the rant?

Those scheduled times are now used by NM as a whip. She scolds EF for being in the kitchen during my time. She tells everyone who visits how important it is to be out of the kitchen during my time. Mind you, she doesn’t always adhere to it herself. However, she will make absolutely certain everyone else toes the line. She will wait to do something in the kitchen until five minutes before my time, and then apologize profusely for being in my way.

I don’t care. I’ve stated that I don’t care.

My eating is a mess. I admit it. Yes, she is part of the problem. She will not change, so the problem is mine. I’m endeavor to figure out ways to improve things. Saying anything to her will only make it worse. The level of insanity is frightening sometimes. I remind myself I’ve survived over 50 years of this, and most of it was without the knowledge that it wasn’t me.

Perhaps the real lesson is the knowledge it isn’t me. Becoming angry doesn’t solve my problem. Pretending nothing is wrong doesn’t solve my problem. Learning to work with the options available is something I do know how to do and do exceptionally well. It means letting go of some of my fantasies. I’ve released other impossible dreams, but I never stop dreaming.

She no longer holds control over my peace of mind and heart.

So, why did I share this here? I know there are people who read this who need to know she hasn’t changed. Nothing has really changed.

I acknowledge I am not safe with her. Ever. Simply acknowledging that gives me permission to not attempt to bridge a gap she will sabotage to maintain the reality she’s created in her own mind to fit the lies she’s told herself over the years to ensure she is “happy.”

I don’t want to make the same mistake.


Responses

  1. Ugh. I hear you. When they turn it around like that, exactly like a whip, to keep their fantasy alive. ((Judy))

    • Amazing, considering the fact it doesn’t really work. 🙄 ((TR))

  2. NMs are only happy when they are making others miserable. Hugs.

    • I don’t think they’re actually happy then, but at least they have company which is what they want most.

  3. “I acknowledge I am not safe with her. Ever. Simply acknowledging that gives me permission to not attempt to bridge a gap” I think this is important. I think it helps you to let go of the guilt you may feel towards the relationship with your mother. I also found it to be very validating for me too. Thank you for that.

    I think these mindf*cks that NMs pull out are so difficult and I can understand why this bothers you. It looks like (on the surface) the are doing something kind, but there is an emotional barb buried in it. My MIL likes to pull crap out like this too, making a HUGE deal about how she’s “accommodating” me. But what she’s really trying to point out to everyone is how “difficult” she thinks I am. That’s why she makes it such a big deal. It’s a very subtle way to sling an poke at me. Plus, I’ve found when my NM (or MIL) yells at my stepfather (or other family member) for something he’s doing to me, it helps her create another negative association with me. It is understandable that my stepfather might feel some resentment at me for getting yelled at. It takes some serious thought for him to realize that it’s not my fault he’s getting yelled at, and to appropriately place the responsibility for that back on NM (who shouldn’t be yelling and who’s job it isn’t to regulate my boundaries with other people.)

    • Yes! ‘…what she’s really trying to point out to everyone is how “difficult” she thinks I am.’ That’s it! I honestly endeavor to make life easier for everyone because life tosses in enough potholes and bumps without adding. People still think I’m angry and frustrated and lashing out, which is about as far from the truth as the East is from the West. Yes, I’m frustrated: I’m on a deadline and I realized the story I wrote originally is horrible and I’m having to do a complete rewrite. I don’t dare tell NM because she will find a way to add to the drama… in fact, she did. Bah! We’ll keep fighting for a healthier life, Jessie!

  4. Hugs. Hugs and more hugs. She is insane. Enough said.

    • ((Ruth))


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