Posted by: Judy | September 9, 2014

The Better Man Project journey…

One of Evan’s recent posts hit a nerve:

He talked about his integrity with others being intact, but his lack of integrity with himself.

Arrow to my heart. I want to have integrity with myself. I’m doing better. I don’t lie to myself nearly as much…

Yes, that’s the first time in a long time that I’ve admitted I do still lie to myself. However, I’m doing much better. Sometimes, the lies are less painful, for a while.

What did I lie about?

Not being able to leave home.

I could have left. I was even offered the opportunity. It required I leave everything behind. My work, my things, my safety net… everything I know and understand.

Why didn’t I take it?

I didn’t trust myself because I still didn’t know myself, at least not every well. I was still in the early stages of not lying to myself. I didn’t believe I could do it… If I failed, I’d wind up right back where I was, only now it would be worse. If I didn’t try, then I couldn’t fail. If I didn’t fail, in any obvious way, then it wouldn’t be held over my head as proof my inability to do something as simple as take care of myself in the big, bad world. Something I’d been brutally taught I couldn’t do. I’d die if I attempted it. I didn’t see the brainwashing for what it was, a tether to keep me close and under control.

All water under the bridge now. I can’t change the past. What does it have to do with now?

I keep promising myself I’m going to take care of myself. My weight hasn’t changed in years. I suppose that’s actually a good thing, since many people steadily gain weight as they age. My arm still doesn’t straighten, curbing my exercise routines.

I want so much more for me, like I want to make promises to myself that I keep.


  1. I read that article too. I didn’t see that until you under lined it. Why? I ask myself. I didn’t want to see how his experience really did apply to me. I still don’t trust myself. Heavy sigh…more work to do.

    • Never ending, but it’s what life’s all about. So easy to type. Not easy at all to do.

  2. Me2. I hadn’t looked at it like that before – integrity with myself. He points out how he trusted others more than himself. I think I do this a lot, other people’s opinions, etc. That opens my eyes. It helped that you added your thoughts with his words. xx

    • Yes, I also trust the opinions of some people more than I trust myself. It’s frustrating. It’s okay, I think, when I know they’re more experienced in a certain area, but too often I dismiss myself. I’m pretty smart, but I act like I know it. You’re welcome ((TR))

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