Posted by: Judy | August 27, 2014

The Performance…

I’ve been nattering at myself about a situation. It was annoying, but I couldn’t figure out why.

NM makes a production of my time alone in the kitchen. To everyone else, it looks like she is ensuring I’m given the time I need. She’s being thoughtful. She’s making an effort.

Why does this bother me?

When no one is around she putters around in the kitchen, sometimes for half the time I’m supposed to have access.

There it is: The Performance.

The lie: She convinces everyone I am difficult and exacting and demanding. She comes across as cooperative and protective of me and my time. She pretends to give me what’s expected.

The truth: When it’s only the two of us, it’s an entirely different story.

Last June, I told my parents I was done and tossed the schedule because they didn’t pay attention to it so why have it at all? NM created a new schedule and affixed it to the fridge, for everyone to see. When company visits she makes a big deal out of adhering to the schedule. When EF is around, she also is more mindful of the schedule though not as strictly. When it’s only her and me she leaves the kitchen when she’s good and ready. She doesn’t blatantly violate the time, more like doing little things, putting this and that away, cleaning this and that, providing herself deniability.

Yes, it really is this crazy.

Why share it here?

Am I smearing her? Am I being hateful? Am I being difficult?

I hope not. My intention is to clarify to myself in a safe place, outside my head, that I’m not unreasonable. To remind myself I haven’t made any demands since the original blow up. When my demands for respect were blatantly ignored I haven’t reiterated those demands. Instead, I endeavor to recognize I can change no one but myself, so I work to remember that anger doesn’t change them and only hurts me. So why bother?

I am not difficult.

The offense other’s perceive coming from me may be a matter of me being preoccupied or a fabrication stitched together by someone else.

I hope to one day no longer need this outlet, to be able to simply know the truth and let go of everything that isn’t.

I trust Jesus. Saying it can’t do any harm.

A new insight: Thank you Better Man Project:

http://thebettermanprojects.com/2014/08/25/guts-fear-final-chapter/

I was fed, given a cookie, to be kept awake, to stop crying, to comply, when NM was in a giving mood, just as my kitchen time is protected when NM is in a giving mood. At the polar opposite, I was also starved so I wouldn’t become fat, so I could attract a man, be beautiful enough, be acceptable, when NM believes her agenda, her belief, her plan is better than mine, when NM is feeling deprived and needs me to suffer with her.

Oh.

I don’t know yet if this is a little ‘oh’ or a Game Changing ‘Oh.’

Knowing what I know now, how will it influence my eating? How will it influence how I take care of myself?


Responses

  1. I can so imagine how crazy it is to be around that. I think she is blatantly violating your time in the kitchen – even the ‘little’ stuff of putting things away. Her pain transference seems to aid in her regaining power, imo. My mother is different with me when only the two of us. The ‘performance’ is unbelievable, ugh.

    • I think you’re right about her effort to regain power. The only way I know how not to be sucked into the game is to withdraw. ((TR))

      • ((Judy))

  2. Hugs, remember the ‘smile’….she really does know exactly what she is doing. She is doing anything she can to get you engaged and enraged because then she will piously tell the world her version. Stop caring and she doesn’t know what to do.

    • I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me she was intentionally trying to make me angry. ((Ruth)) Thanks.


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