Posted by: Judy | July 29, 2014

Different changes…

Life changes. My life is changing. The insanity continues here. The family recently gathered, and NM was on her best behavior. It rattles me when she does. It’s actually the same old same old. She sounds reasonable, if you don’t know the backstory. Saying it here because I need to remind myself I’m not crazy: NM has spent the last few years lamenting being hard of hearing. She swears she can’t hear you unless she’s inches from your face. The other day, she sat across the table from me and made comments relevant to what I said. She even talked to me from the kitchen and responded to me without even seeing me. Reminder to self: I’m endeavoring to make sense of the behavior of someone who chooses lies over the truth while I choose truth over lies. No, I’m not perfect. Never said I was. However, if two people are unwilling or unable to start on the same foundation, then no matter where you go from there you’ll never be able to make anything work. If one person chooses to build on the San Diego beach, while the other person insists on building in the Alps, a single building will never happen.

Evan Sanders blogs over at The Better Man Project

I’ve followed for a while, sometimes every day and sometimes weekly. I’ve also taken a break when what he was saying wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the moment. He encourages contact, and I’m leery. Knowing my history, I accept it’s part of the fallout. Sorry, I’m babbling.

Right now, Evan has embarked on a journey of becoming healthier. I’ve been following his journey. Reading his story is encouraging me to take my own journey more seriously. Honestly, I’ve been attempting to live healthier all my life. I’ve made changes that worked and changes that haven’t worked at all.

I confess that I use eating as a slow “acceptable” suicide. NM repeatedly told me that my bad eating habits would kill me at a young age. Hasn’t happened. I teeter-totter between wanting to give up and wanting to become healthy because in my heart I know it’s what God wants for me. God can’t use me to the fullest if I’m muddled.

Reading Evan’s blog, I’m inspired to tackle my physical health once again.

Here’s the current plan:

Exercise: Walk every day. I’m scaling back to start. I think I might have moved forward too fast, after my fall. The ankle can handle walking up to 2 miles. However, the arm not so much. I stopped carrying the 1-lb weights because my arm was becoming quite sore. Last Sunday was the first time I was able to write, working on my weekly schedule, without pain. I’m going to start with 1/2 mile, Monday thru Friday, with a 1-lb weight. I’m hoping the weight will help gravity in straightening my arm. Saturday will be a 2-mile walk without weights. I’ll also continue a toned-down version of my physical therapy for my back.

Eating: I’m actually doing better, overall. Really. This is such a struggle with all the nightmares attached to food and my eating habits. As of today, I want to stop beating myself up over my eating.

Sleep: Naps really are okay. I need to give myself permission to sleep during the day, especially since I so often have trouble sleeping at night.

I’m tired of being fat. I know this is old. I’ve said it over and over and over. I want to make a change. I need to believe I’m capable.


  1. Hugs. Changing how we view ourselves while staying in the same environment is challenging. Let me know how I can help. Love Ruth

    • Thanks ((Ruth))

  2. Your story is not old. Your story and this journey are daily (the every five minutes daily, have to quote Ruth). Amen, naps are okay and awesome you were able to write without pain. 🙂

    • LOL! Yes, Ruth’s five minutes is a helpful reminder. 🙂

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