Posted by: Judy | July 28, 2014

Changes…

Things have been… interesting, lately. Discouraging, frustrating, maddening, calming, validating, empowering…

NM is struggling. I pity her. She’s been pushing buttons, expecting a familiar response, and nothing is happening the way she expects.

I’ve always been frustrated and disappointed in my angry disposition. I couldn’t shake the impression I was angry all the time. Because of redefining what anger is — Anger is a normal reaction to a boundary being violated — I’ve become more aware of my anger. When my rage flares I immediately stop and ask myself what triggered it. Every single time, one of my perfectly healthy boundaries has been violated. The anger disappears. I’m recovering more quickly. The anger is still a time waster but necessary to keep me from falling into the trap of allowing abuse.

Knowing NM wrote my sister to find out what was wrong with me, I’m wondering if this isn’t about me at all but about forcing my sister back into the game. Yes, this is a distinct possibility and this insane.

I’m working to be patient and loving without being a doormat. There was a time when I thought it was impossible. Nope. Not impossible. Really, really difficult.

No, NM hasn’t changed.

I’ve changed. I like myself better.


Responses

  1. Stupid thing is she resents me being around.

    • Maybe what she resents is not having the most familiar target. Then again, I remind myself I’m endeavoring to make sense of the nonsensical… no, I’m endeavoring to make sense of someone who prefers lies over the truth while I prefer the truth over lies. We live at opposite ends of the spectrum.

  2. For a very long time, I was unaware how angry I was and I buried it. As a result, I was brutal to myself adm self-harming. Not that I’m 100% better now, but allowing the anger (admittedly much less now that the main instigator is out of my life) to be felt has helped me heal. Feeling like anger wasn’t allowed was really damaging. My mother was the only one in our house allowed to be angry.

  3. “When my rage flares I immediately stop and ask myself what triggered it.” I think that is very healthy. To catch yourself and find what it means. That is what I think emotionally intelligent people do – I suspect 😉

    The last part is wonderful. As I read this I thought too that what had changed was you. It seems your NM is trying to reign in control by going to a third party. It is so weird because we feel like we are changing so much and sometimes in the process it is hard to gauge. The tangible sign that we actually have is often seen in the N’s persons behaviours. Nice progress!

    • Actually, TR, one of my counselors was shocked to learn I was able to stop and self-analyze. It turns out that is not common, though I agree it’s something emotionally healthy people do. 🙂

      Thank you!


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