Posted by: Judy | July 25, 2014

Sorting my thoughts…

I have come to the conclusion NM wants me to fail, and perhaps EF does as well.

For the past 10 years, I’ve told them that talking to me when I’m writing interrupts my train of thought. Granted, I’m writing pretty much all the time. However, when I initiate conversation I’m acknowledging I’ve put the conversation in my head aside for the time being.

Last night, I was making great headway in the current manuscript. What a relief. It’s been a struggle. It was 9:40 at night, and I was looking forward to finishing another chapter. It was almost done.

I hear NM’s voice from the hall, “Good night, Judy.”

My mind blanked. Full stop. Like running into a wall, in a freight train.

I wanted to rush after her and tell her to stop interrupting me, but what’s the use? I’ve been telling her and EF for 10 years now, and nothing changes.

They’ll tell me they didn’t know I was writing, because they can’t see what I’m doing in my room. What kind of excuse is that? Do they expect me to open the door to they can look in my room whenever they want to and decide whether or not my privacy is worth noting? Will they determine I’m writing by whether or not my fingers are on the keyboard? What about the times I stop to think things through? Will that be considered fair game for them to interrupt? Oh, wait… it is.

They also assure me that I don’t have to respond. Like this is some great concession. No matter how many times or ways I explain it — that simply talking to me when I’m not prepared cuts off whatever I’m thinking — they continue to ignore my requests.

I’ve been struggling to understand why they persist, and I finally came to the realization of what their behavior actually means. It tells me one thing: They want me to fail. They are doing everything within their power — a power they exercise as subtly as possible, so they have deniability — to sabotage me. How sad is that?

There will be those who defend the behavior, saying that they only want to interact with their daughter. What kind of loving parent sets up their child to fail?

Oh.

They have set me up to fail all my life. Standards were impossible to meet. If I met them, they were changed.

NM will blame my stress on my writing, refusing to acknowledge that my stress is because of her need to see me fail and her daily efforts to make sure it happens.

I can hear the denials now, “I only want to help.” “I worry about her. I want to be sure she’s all right.” There are a myriad of excuses. I’ve heard them all. Most of them sound every sincere and very loving, until you put them in context. Mind you, the context has to be the Big Picture, the long-term evidence that bears out the lie.

Maybe it isn’t about wanting me to fail so much as she wants control, and she doesn’t care about how it affects me. See? I can’t stop her from talking to me. The fact it sabotages me isn’t even a consideration for her; she said what she wanted to say. What’s more, she can complain about how I don’t respond or I snap at her, so now she’s the victim.

Crazymaking.

No, I didn’t finish the chapter, last night. I was too tired to fight for me any more. I gave up. I’ll start over again, today, and pray I’m able to do better today.


Responses

  1. Absolutely not loving or caring. You have made a request and it is ignored – everything ceases after that. I hadn’t thought about it like that – they wanting us to fail and I think that you hit on something I have missed before in this type of behaviour. My FiL does this to DH and me when we visit. We will be doing something for him (like fix his printer, etc.), nonetheless, and he will go and get something not related and throw it on top of the computer or whatever we are working on. I thought this was attention seeking but now, I’m thinking it might be about failing. Because if we finished the task and he didn’t have another task, we could do what we wanted and they gain their control. This really made me think of such behaviours. xx
    PS Noise cancelling headphones, if possible?

    • I’ve thought about headphones, except I’m usually listening to something while I’m working, television, radio, CDs. THAT noise doesn’t bother me because first I chose it. I know it’s there. I don’t have to respond to it. It isn’t important.

      Because of the way NM ignored me over the years, I worked hard to learn to be an active listener. All those years she ignored me, and now she’s unhappy if I ignore her.

      I’ve never owned an iPod. Maybe I need to think about it.

      • I think that we can sometimes develop well trained ears to sound. I am constantly bothered by sound that I don’t choose too. My NM also ignored me and her sounds bugged me, it was a signal to me that something was up.

        • YES! The need to be on hyperalert because you never know when being aware will help you escape.

          I admit, I prefer the interruptions over what they might choose to do next if it doesn’t work.

          • Especially since she doesn’t say good night every night…. How sad that her talking is actually a danger signal. I’m so sorry. Hugs.

            • ((Ruth))

  2. OK, she is an N, so your mother will probably just figure out another way around this, but what about some “signal” on the outside of the door so she can’t say she doesn’t know you are working? Like a red ribbon tied to the door knob? Or a Do Not Disturb sign? At the least, you’ll have proof she’s doing it on purpose, because she can’t deny she’s seeing the sign? Just a suggestion.

    I’m sorry she’s being so difficult. It reminds me of my children who, the second I’m on the phone (or whatever), they decide they need my attention. Your NMs behavior is just as childish (and not excusable because she is not an ACTUAL child). Hugs.

    • It’s been tried before, and the excuse was always, “I won’t take but a second…” or something else along that line. It really is a simple matter of respect, and they don’t. It can’t be taught if the person doesn’t want to learn or doesn’t even think there is a problem on their end. I’m just being difficult. ((Jessie)) Hugs are appreciated. 🙂


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