Posted by: Judy | July 8, 2014

My addiction…

Food.

Starting at the beginning. I know I’ve discussed this. I’m writing it out again for my benefit. I suppose I’m hoping I’ll see something different or a clue.

It started at an early age.

My earliest memory is eating dog food.

I was hungry. Because I had intestinal problems — the doctors would probably diagnose it as IBS or something along that line now — I was on the BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. I was on it for a year. The only reason I came off the diet is because I lied to my mother, telling her I wasn’t sick anymore.

My next memory of food was eating oatmeal for breakfast. I couldn’t keep it down. I was forced to eat it, again and again, even though I kept coughing it back up. Yeah, that’s an ugly memory.

Unfortunately, it isn’t the only unpleasant memory about food.

NM would ask me if I like something, like Tuna Casserole. If I said that I did, she’d change the way she made it. She’d tweak the recipe until I didn’t like it, and that’s how she’d make it from then on.

I knew early on I had trouble with whole wheat. I was called a picky eater, spoiled, finicky, difficult. I only knew my tummy didn’t hurt when I had white rolls at someone else’s house but could count on tummy upset at my house where only whole grains were used. Funnily enough, NM would quote to people that you never force a child to eat something they don’t like because they may be allergic to it. I was forced to eat whole wheat or not eat. Didn’t want me to become fat, after all.

I finally stopped eating whole wheat in my 20s. I’ve been buying my own groceries since then, to ensure I have food I’m able to eat. I’d cheat occasionally, partly because I wondered if I was being difficult, and always paid the price, within 24 hours.

When I owned a horse, I mixed him bran mashes for his colic. It was then I discovered how allergic to bran I am. I would stir water into the bran with my hand. It allowed me to ensure the consistency was correct, and why dirty a utensil? One time, someone else watched as I pulled my hand out of the mix. It looked like I’d painted on a red glove. All the skin was a bright mottled red. I didn’t connect everything together… No. I did. I knew I was allergic to bran, and it didn’t matter what kind. I figured I could cheat.

Later in life, as recently as a few years ago, I used oatmeal to punish myself for eating badly. I knew if I ate something with oatmeal in it, I would be sick. When I allowed myself to acknowledge how insane my behavior was I stopped eating anything with oatmeal in it. At first it was difficult. Really. However, it’s now been several years since I’ve eaten anything with oatmeal.

Eggs have been my next goal, and I’ve added almonds. For six months, now, I’ve gone without eggs alone. I miss them, but the craving is slowly abating. I haven’t eaten almonds alone, either.

I am making progress.

Last week, I ate a party size bag of popcorn in two days. Not healthy. I wasn’t hungry. I ate until I was miserably full. I did throw away 1-2 cups of what was left.

Diets don’t work because they involve deprivation. I’ve had enough deprivation.

I’m tired. I don’t know how to fight this.

Interesting discovery: I have more control over Oreos than I do popcorn. Yes, I’m surprised. Interestingly enough, I’m better able to control my Oreo intake if I keep it to 2 rather than 3. Why? I don’t know.

Life is full of I don’t knows.


Responses

  1. Your mother sounds like a peach (sarcasm). A similar thing my mother did was feed us tea with milk when we had a stomach flu. One time I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time (and she had inexplicably closed the bathroom door) and I vomited all over the closed door. She was furious with me and made me clean it up, saying if done it on purpose.

    It’s such psychotic behavior for a mother. I’m sorry your mother was so terribly cruel to you.

    • Same to you. Sounds like they could be sisters. Look at you now! You have risen above. Brava!!


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