Posted by: Judy | May 30, 2014

A week later…

One week ago, I decided to go the whole day loving my body… wait, that isn’t quite right. I decided that every time I looked in the mirror I would say/think that I love my body. However, thinking it did encourage me to treat myself better. I decided to add another day and then a week.

Then life happened.

Oreos and Cheez-Its.

Need I say more?

Not simply a downfall but a crash and burn.

And?

I will not allow a little cookie and a tiny cracker to hold all the control.

Okay, so for the first few days, I ate… an embarrassing amount. Having said that, I did not fall so far as “an open bag is an empty bag.” I did used to do that. Pretty good. I ate more than a serving and quite honestly more than I wanted. I fell into compulsive eating. I also stopped myself from eating the whole bag.

Why do I not give myself credit for doing that, at least not without minimalizing?

I’m learning.

I’m beating myself up because I haven’t learned to do it perfectly, yet. I tell myself I can’t control myself. This is a lie. I know this is a lie. I’m not accepting it anymore.

I am capable. I control what goes in my mouth.

So, why have I failed?

I worry about not having enough. A genuine concern for me.

I’ve worked hard to ensure I’m not deprived.

I need to believe I’m capable of taking care of my needs, capable and reliable.


Responses

  1. I’ve been spending some time lately thinking quite a bit about addictive behavior (and may end up blogging about it), specifically as it relates to my eating habits. For me, the food isn’t really the issue (although it is clearly a symptom or unfortunate end result). For me, compulsive eating is about smothering the painful feelings with a different kind of pain. I’ve realized that when I am feeling something uncomfortable (shame, fear, sorrow, boredom, loneliness) that I tend to eat to the point of feeling bloated or uncomfortably full, and that somehow the discomfort of being too full, in effect, overrides the underlying (other) pain. Replacing one kind of pain with another.

    I’ve been noticing that I rarely eat when hungry, and, in fact, am not even sure my body knows how to recognize hunger anymore. That’s what I’ve been working on right now … giving my body the space and time needed to learn (again) what it feels like when I am hungry, and also to use portion control and awareness to try to break the cycle of compulsive eating.

    Lately I’m making the mistake of waiting too long to eat, and then eating too much because every bite I take seems to only make me hungrier. For me, last night it was twice as much spaghetti as necessary (if not three times too much), followed by a (generous) piece of cake. Not all-out gluttony, but still, entirely more than necessary to fuel my body.

    As we all know, it’s complicated. The “not having enough” against the “I don’t deserve to be healthy” against the “this is too difficult to change” against the “who will I become if I am not overweight” against the “loss of self-soothing with food” against the idea of “don’t want to waste food”.

    Very complicated. Good luck as you keep working towards finding a healthier balance. Any steps forward are worth recognizing.

    • “who will I become if I am not overweight” ~ That’s a huge one I don’t like to think about. The others are all familiar “friends.” I need new friends. 🙂 Thanks for the clearer perspective.

  2. I like what ntexas wrote above. I know a good deal of my bad behaviors are about smothering the real pain. And I too always felt deprived. Combine the two, I end up kind of a mess.

    One day of bad eating is just one day. Today is another one to choose differently. 🙂

    • Today, I did better. 🙂


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