Posted by: Judy | May 29, 2014

Something niggling at my brain…

EF went in for a pacemaker. It’s been stressful. I’ve been on edge, more than snappish but downright ready to spit nails. It’s understandable, everyone says. And it is.

I know me. I knew there was something more.

NM didn’t want anyone to know because she “didn’t want to worry them.” Both my sister and I asked, “So you’re willing to deprive others of the opportunity to pray for him?” She turned very superior in her justification that she was sparing them from worry.

What? Are these people so weak minded they can’t handle unfortunate news?

It annoyed me, but there was something more.

The siblings have been in touch more in the last 24 hours than in… a long time. In one of the phone calls, one of the siblings mentioned keeping it secret.



Blessedly, I have a number of friends who taught me years ago that if I was in trouble and I didn’t tell them they’d be furious with me. It’s what friends do for each other: They are there for each other through the good and the bad. If a friendship can’t survive the rough patches, then it wasn’t worth the good stuff.

How would these same people feel if things went horribly wrong, and they didn’t know until after? What a cruel thing to do to people supposedly trusted and loved.

What about the comfort EF takes in knowing people are praying for him?

Keeping secrets isn’t loving or kind. It’s selfish, giving the secret keeper the power of information. They also gain the power of how much anyone knows. They control the conversation, giving out only so much so they milk it for all it’s worth.

I hate this whole situation. I hate that I’ve been made an accomplice, a co-conspirator, a patsy.

I hated being a secret keeper, but I do remember the heady sense of power. I also didn’t like myself very well.

No secrets.


Done! Finished! Never ever again!

Surprises are different. They’re good things with a designated reveal date, like presents and parties.

This was not a surprise. This was a secret.

Have I mentioned I hate secrets?

Secrets demean others. They aren’t of the privileged few to be in the know. They aren’t strong enough, smart enough, enough to handle the information.

It also leads to martyrdom and a false mask of bravery. Wow. They handled it all alone. It’s a lie.

It deprives others of the opportunity to serve. Service blessed the giver and the receiver. People are good. They want to help. Asking for prayer is an acceptable request for most people. Denying them the knowledge help is needed deprives them of the opportunity to bless and be blessed.

Secrets diminish others, while enlarging the secret keeper.

Abuse is all about secrets. Shhhh… don’t tell.

To keep a secret, one is required to lie. Lying by omission is still a lie.


I hate secrets.


  1. The secret isn’t about “sparing others”, it’s about not making the narcissist look weak. Ridiculous.

    • Oh! Accusing others of their own flaws.

  2. I’ve been plotting all morning about how to blow the ‘secret’ wide open. Nice to know I have your support. Mega hugs. And the chocolate was awesome last night. Thanks.

    • You’re welcome.

  3. crazy sauce!

    • LOL! Yes.

  4. That is something I hadn’t realized. Secrets are used to control others. This is so true especially with my in-laws; I hadn’t thought of it like that but their secrets have burdened me for so long. I have written drafts about it and still can’t post on it because I feel like I’m not keeping the ‘secrets’.

    You bring up great points on how toxic secrets can be. xxTR

    • It’s so… subtle. ((TR))

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