Posted by: Judy | May 27, 2014

Forgotten…

An unexpected side effect of the experiment with loving my body, I think maybe I’m learning to love myself. In one of my conversations with the Lord, I confessed that sometimes I feel like He forgets I’m here. It’s a big universe. A lot is happening, all the time. There are a whole bunch of people on this planet. Most of whom are worse off than I am. I’m a grain of sand in the ocean of the universe.

I have learned that whenever I project something negative on God it’s because of something else, something from the past. This is no different.

I remembered all the times NM sent me to my room for punishment. I wasn’t allowed to come out until she came and ended the punishment. She invariably forgot I was there. For the most part, I didn’t mind. Not really. I hated to be punished. It was embarrassing and confusing. The punishment never fit the crime. It wasn’t until recently that I learned she often punished me for things she did. I don’t mean I mimicked her. I mean literally. She would do something wrong, and I would be punished as if I was the one who made the mistake. I never would have known if she didn’t still do it.

Most of my birthdays were forgotten. The few that weren’t forgotten, it was made clear it was inconvenient, a nuisance. How thoughtless of me to be born right before Christmas. How were they supposed to remember my birthday during the flurry of activities?

It’s a challenge to remember my Heavenly Father is ever mindful of me. He never forgets. Ever. I haven’t had five years (new concept is it takes 5 years to make a change permanent) yet to work on changing this perception. I will change it.


Responses

  1. Your experience with being punished sounds similar to mine. I know I often felt like I was just “bad”, especially when I didn’t understand why I was being punished or yelled at. I too spent so much time I. My room while in trouble, it actually began to feel like a safe place. And I got very comfortable with being forgotten. While I don’t think I will ever want to be the center of attention, I do think my default to invisible isn’t healthy.

    I hope you’re able to love yourself better sooner than 5 years! Although 5 years is still better than never. 🙂

    • “While I don’t think I will ever want to be the center of attention, I do think my default to invisible isn’t healthy.”

      Yes! And I also hope it doesn’t take 5 years. 🙂


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