Posted by: Judy | May 15, 2014

Quote on FB…

This quote was posted by Hope for the Broken Hearted: “Some people simply REFUSE to be happy. If they were stuck in a tunnel you can show them the way out and give them a light, but they will just sit there complaining about how they got there. They are more willing to fight to STAY there instead of fighting to come out. Okay it happened. Now what? Stop focusing so hard on how you got there, focus on how you’re going to get out! Keep moving!” ― Yvonne Pierre

I read it, and my first thought was, “Yep, I know people like that. Drive me crazy. Every time I see them, they’re complaining about the same thing. I ask them what they’ve done to make a change.” The startled look, I think, annoys me most. They stumble over the words or toss out lame excuses but end up confessing they haven’t done anything. They want someone to “fix” everything for them. They don’t want to do the work themselves because it’s “too hard.” They honestly believe someone will make them happy.

I also hate it when I fall into this category, from time to time.

Some of the comments were in heart-felt agreement, while others were brutally critical.

I know happiness is an inside job.

There have been times when I’ve been the person who refuses to be happy, for a couple of reasons. I’ve self-sabotaged because I didn’t believe I deserve to be happy, and I’ve self-sabotaged because doing it myself gave me some control as opposed to having my abuser crush my joy at the time of their choosing. I know people who revel in squashing other people’s happiness because they want the credit for making them happy.

I’ve also had times when I simply needed to grieve. I don’t believe in the hurry-up and finish grieving already philosophy. In fact, I don’t think it’s healthy. I actually believe it’s possible to be happy and grieving at the same time. A moment when everything’s perfect and you wish you could share it with someone who’s gone. It doesn’t diminish the joy of the moment. The grief adds depth, richness.

Then there are the times when I’ve worked to make it through the tunnel and life happens again and again and again and the light appears no closer. People think I choose to remain stuck without any comprehension of all the work I’ve done to move forward. I appreciate encouragement from my friends, reminding me that I may be complaining about the same stuff but I’m actively working toward making changes.


Responses

  1. my oldest brother would tell me “get over it already” in such a scornful way; it was not said as encouragement, but rather, with disgust … it is very probable that it would have been more helpful if he had been able to say “is there something you can do that will help you recover from the pain?” … thankfully, eventually I managed to figure out ways to work at recovering my lost happiness by trying to keep my focus on the positive, and I also figured out that looking for empathy in the wrong places only brings more pain … both good lessons, and both helpful in my quest for a healthier way to live

    • Good points, ntexas99.

  2. I’m frustrated by the times I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel only to find out it is actually a train. Hugs.

    • rootstoblossom made a good point, and so did ntexas99 about needing to be wary about who is involved in our lives. Ruth, you and I have talked about how people we don’t expect blindside us sometimes. Sometimes people we expect blindside us but not when we expected. ((Ruth))

  3. “I’ve self-sabotaged because I didn’t believe I deserve to be happy, and I’ve self-sabotaged because doing it myself gave me some control” – There is a lot of truth in this. Also though, at times when I was stuck in the tunnel, and someone showed me the light, I did not trust in that person and most definitely did not trust in the light. Child abuse makes us feel hopeless and helpless and mistrust everyone and everything. I’ve been taken baby steps toward the light, just in case it might be real and not a trap. My abuser would put me in the tunnel, show me a false light, and laugh at my painful failed attempts. I am finally seeing the entire world is not like that, and that the world is beautiful in the light.

    • Yes. ((rootstoblossom))

  4. My sister is one of those who is constantly embroiled in drama and complaining. But she doesn’t even want anyone to fix it! I think she likes the drama and attention more than actual happiness.

    I like the idea of being able to take some control over my happiness by actually working for it. I don’t always get there, but I’m always trying to improve. Of course, when I drank to feel happier, I was going about it all wrong.

    • Your sister, like others who refuse to be happy, have defined happiness differently than I have. Abusers “know” they have the right to define happiness for their victims. We then spend a lot of time stripping away the lies, but we do it. 🙂

      • I have a hard time understanding her enjoyment of drama since it means she always has a pinched look on her face. I’m glad I wised up enough to stop trying to fix things she didn’t want fixed.

        • My counselor would ask me, “What’s the payoff?” Sometimes, it’s a sense of self-rightousness. Sometimes, it’s extra attention. It made me wonder what my payoff was when I stayed “stuck.” I realized that it meant I didn’t have to risk anything, in some cases. For example, I held off on sending my manuscript to a publisher, at first, because I was afraid of rejection and failure but I was also afraid of success. Once I recognized why I was stalling, I stopped stalling. I stopped because I wanted to change. Some people think change is too hard or that everyone else should change… sorry. Babbling. 🙄

  5. I like what you said about grief. It reminds me of a quote from a tv show “grief looks differently on everyone”. xx

    • I like that. It states it well.


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