Posted by: Judy | April 23, 2014

Starting new… today…

I’ve been struggling with my weight for years. I’ve yo-yoed from 250 lb to 165 lb. My target weight is 165 lb. Doctor’s orders, years ago.

Once, I lost 30 lb in 3 months. I’ve gained 20 lb in a single month.

Food is a huge flashing neon problem. Killing myself with it and can’t live without it.

What I’ve learned: I do better when I feel “safe.” Not possible now. I need a different tactic. I’ve done well when I maintained a consistent eating routine. I mean eating pretty much the same thing day after day. Boring by the standard of others, but I actually take an odd sort of comfort in the consistency. I need to be sure I eat enough variety to keep from developing more problems.

Foods I cannot do without, i.e., foods I need in my diet to keep from feeling deprived. Bread and milk. Chocolate.

Bread I need almost every day. I can skip a day by choice, but running out of bread kicks me into panic.

Milk I need three times a day. Otherwise, my nails turn to paper and tear down to the nail bed. Yes, ouch.

Chocolate I’m actually able to skip from time to time, by my choice. If it isn’t in the house, I stuff myself on about anything I can put my hands on. It can be Dove dark chocolate or chocolate cake or my chocolate chip cookies. I actually am able to pick and choose.

I like having fruit, strawberries and/or bananas so far, and rice crispies with milk in the morning. I like a bit of milk and chocolate coconut milk on it.

I often use the bread in sandwiches, usually ham and cheese or ham alone.

Yesterday, my sister ran some errands with me, including Sam’s Club. I chose to not buy crackers or cookies… okay, I bought biscotti, but they were meant for dunking in hot chocolate. I am easily able to limit myself to one. They’re decadent to me, and I never feel a need to binge on them.

Today, I start eating more consciously.

This won’t be easy. I’m not going to pretend it will be simple. I know the roadblocks and stumbling blocks.

I need to choose good health. It’s always my choice.


  1. Hugs. Choosing healthy everyday is tougher than it looks but not impossible.

    • You’re a good example and give me hope. ((Ruth))

  2. It always frustrates me that one of the effects of being a daughter of a narcissist is that we become self-destructive just to bear our feelings. It still upsets me that I almost drank myself to death because sitting with my feelings was so difficult.

    • True. You are one of my inspirations to do better. ((Pandora Viltis))

      • Awww, thanks. I know how hard it is. Each day is an opportunity to be nicer to yourself. Like they say in AA, one day at a time. It’s a mantra that does actually work. 🙂

        • Need to make that mantra more a part of my life. 🙂

    • “It always frustrates me that one of the effects of being a daughter of a narcissist is that we become self-destructive just to bear our feelings.” – PV

      “I do better when I feel ‘safe.’ Not possible now.” – Judy

      Relating a _lot_. Sometimes I think the only reason I try to take care of myself is not to make sure I live longer, but just to make sure I don’t get any more helpless while I am still alive.

      • “I try to take care of myself is not to make sure I live longer, but just to make sure I don’t get any more helpless while I am still alive.”

        THAT’S IT EXACTLY! I’ve been struggling to figure out why I’m bothering, and that is it! Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t. ((Cassandra))

  3. Oh my goodness … weight management is a truly tangled web of balancing knowledge against cravings against self-sabotage against the idea of self-soothing. Anyone that doesn’t understand that it really isn’t as simple as making the right choices doesn’t understand the issue at all, and as someone that has struggled with this my entire life, I know you already understand how complicated it all is, and how so many factors come into play.

    Obviously, we can make better choices, and we can work at alleviating the stressors that preclude our ability to show self-restraint, and we can even work diligently at increasing our physical movement to work in conjunction with the idea of healthier food choices, but what I haven’t had much success with myself is the uncovering of the psychological triggers that predicate the failure of keeping my own system of checks and balances in harmony.

    Whew. That was a LONG sentence. 🙂

    Knowing what is healthy, and choosing what is healthy, are both good things. My current struggle factors in limited resources, which invariably pushes me in the direction of having to make do with items (from the food bank) that are not what I would prefer to choose (I prefer lots of veggies over tons of sweets and lots of bread), but rather, to prepare whatever resources I have in the healthiest way possible (no frying, minimal use of butter or oil).

    Thankfully, bread was never one of my downfalls. In fact, before having to rely on bi-weekly visits to the food bank for the bulk of my groceries, I probably went several years without eating much bread at all. Unfortunately, now that has changed, in that bread is the single thing that is always given away in abundance at the food bank. All that aside, it still all comes down to making the best choices we can make given our own version of resources.

    Good for you for taking a stand and making up your mind to try again at exerting more control over your choices. As someone that struggles mightily with this issue, I wish you nothing but the best. Even the small victories are worth noting, because every choice we make that takes us in the direction of healthier living is a step towards a better version of life. Hang in there! 🙂

    • Oh, the land mines are endless. 🙄 I guess it’s a case of admitting I’ve been doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and now I’m going to attempt something different and see what happens. It can’t be worse. 🙂

      • Careful, there. It CAN be worse. Poor choices can result in dire health consequences (says the person who has been hospitalized with an intestinal blockage after eating popcorn because they decided to just give it a try again even after having learned that they shouldn’t eat popcorn). Choices matter. 🙂

        I’ve been trying to interrupt the process that happens between the thought of making poor choices, and the action of actually putting the wrong thing into my body, but haven’t been terribly successful. As you said, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is just not realistic. I’m wishing you the best of luck as you take a new approach, and hope you see results from your efforts.

        Hey, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge, right? How brave of you to speak about it on your blog. Weight is one of those things that most people avoid speaking about. So much shame attached to the subject, and so much public opinion. Good for you for leaping out there into the world and bringing it into the conversation. That alone will probably help you move towards success. 🙂

        • Actually, for me, it can’t be much worse than what I dealt with as a child when I was deliberately fed food that made me sick. It was only a few years I finally cut the oatmeal from my diet. I’m still not eating eggs alone or almonds, so I’ve made progress there, but it isn’t enough anymore. I want to be healthier.

          • having negative experiences with food used as a tool against you during your childhood only complicates things … we sure do end up having a lot of muck to get through just trying to live a healthier life … I’ve unfortunately found myself, more than once, asking the ridiculous question of WHY (which never has an answer that will erase the pain), so then I just try to fall back on what I’ve learned along the way … do the best you can, based on who you are, or who you have become, and trust that if you just keep working towards something good, you’ll see results.

            I like this: “I want to be healthier”

            that’s a really good place to start again with a fresh perspective, and with your decision to try a new approach. 🙂

            • 🙂

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