Posted by: Judy | March 28, 2014

A good reminder…

My journey of healing… posted about baiting, last week:

http://lifebegins45.wordpress.com/2014/03/19/baiting/

Every once in a while, I need a reminder. As I told her, I remember the first time my third counselor introduced me to the concept of chum. I was in my 40s. The light bulb popped on.

All the years I spent defending the people who abused me because they also did nice things for me. I didn’t see the hook in the treat or the careful reeling in until they yanked me around and dropped me flopping on the ground. Sure, they ripped the hook out and tossed me back in the water. So I’d be available for their entertainment again.

It’s frustrating to need to second guess the purpose of anything nice sent my way. I’m not in a situation where I’m able to simply accept what I’m given as a gift. I must consider the giver. I must consider the intent. And in walks mind reading. This doesn’t end well. Sometimes I gratefully accept whatever comes my way. Sometimes, I don’t. It depends on where I am, i.e., what I’ve dealt with lately.

Why do I bring this up now?

Sometimes I hate coming across ungrateful. Being grateful is important to me. I also hate being grateful for something that hurts me. I was expected to be grateful for food that made me sick. I was expected to be grateful for “love” given to me, despite the fact the “love” was really about using me. The list goes on.

I want to let go and move on. There are those who want me to forget and move on, so they can pretend each offense is new. It’s disturbing to think they really believe I’m stupid enough for them to continue to abuse me and use me whenever they want. Because sometimes I have been.

It really messes things up when I refuse to be chum.


Responses

  1. Have you ever noticed that chum is in chump? Setting boundaries, refusing to be gas lighted, stop accepting that they have a right to abuse you is disconcerting for those that think their behavior is acceptable. What is a mess is their thinking – NOT you.

    • Yep, hate feeling like a chump, too. šŸ™„

  2. I wonder why the Brits use “old chum” as a phrase for an old friend. Sorry about the off topic.

    I think guilt has a lot to do with feeling “ungrateful” for false love. Narcs are good at inciting guilt for their terrible efforts at being a human being.

    • Since you asked, because I’m curious about these things, too, I looked it up.

      Chum “friend” 1680s, originally university slang for “roommate,” from alternative spelling of “cham,” short for chamber(mate); typical of the late 17c fondness for clipped words. Among derived forms used 19c were chumship; chummery “shared bachelor quarters,” chummage “system of quartering more than one to a room.”

      Chum “fish bait” 1857, perhaps from Scottish chum “food.”

      As to Chump, 1703, “short, thick lump of wood,” akin to Old Norse kumba “block of wood.” Meaning “blockhead” is first attested 1883. Chump change attested by 1950.

      From the Online Etymology Dictionary. So they aren’t actually related.

      Yes, Ns are very good at inciting guilt in others.

      • Thanks! It’s weird still. I guess the scots don’t make chums with chum.

        • But do they make chum of their chums? šŸ˜€

  3. “There are those who want me to forget and move on, so they can pretend each offense is new.”
    This is such a good way to put this in a way that highlights their behavior. They want to pretend each offense is new; brilliant!

    Also, thanks for the “chum” origins lesson. I love stuff like that too.

    • You’re welcome. šŸ™‚


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