Posted by: Judy | March 27, 2014

Sorting…

Sometimes, it’s me and God against the world, and sometimes it’s just me.

This is something I said to myself for years.

I’ve learned God is always there. I understand that the problem is I don’t always hear Him. Sometimes it’s a matter of me not recognizing the answer. A lot of times it’s because my mind is cluttered with lots of stuff whirling around. Current stuff, past stuff, future stuff.

There are times when I think I should center my focus on my faith… I know a lot of people who think that means focusing on their religion. I’ve made the attempt of focusing only on my religious faith… Oh. I wondered what the difference was.

I don’t think faith is religious. However, religion does help develop faith. It offers classes, and church offers the opportunity to practice. I’ve heard this analogy before, but it didn’t have the same impact. Some of those people practicing enjoy the explosions, want to see others fail for a myriad of reasons, and figure it is their job to make sure everyone is doing it the right way, by their definition.

Sometimes, the teacher (God) intervenes. Sometimes, He waits to see how things play out. Fortunately, He knows the end from the beginning, so He isn’t waiting to see if it works out; He is waiting for us to prove to ourselves who we are. He is giving us the opportunity to work things out, to practice what we learn.

There were years when I focused my attention on my religious faith. I couldn’t understand why nothing changed. Nothing improved.

Sort of like studying a pencil. You can learn all there is to know about the lead, the wood, and the eraser, but unless you learn to draw and write, it’s a useless tool.

What pulled me out of the hole I was in? 9/11.

I blinked and discovered a wide world I knew nothing about. What was more difficult for me was realizing how my self-righteous pride created the blindness. I’d worked a summer in Yellowstone, lived in Thailand as a missionary for sixteen months, spent a summer in England, with trips to Scotland, Holland, and France, acquired enough college credits to have a Bachelors, worked for the airlines, owned a horse and a dog, and so much more. I believed myself world wise but aloof. Above it all.

9/11 connected me to the world in a way I never had before. My world, as I knew it, was obliterated.

I had two choices: Repair my world to resemble what I knew or start over.

I chose to start over. In the last thirteen years, I’ve explored and changed and rearranged my world, over and over and over.

I was proud of being known as a peaceful person to be around. I still am, but I have to mentally shift things around and go to that place in my head. I’m also intense, to the extreme. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I usually endeavor to tone it down… I’m not sure I’ve ever been wholly, fully myself… ever. With anyone. I’m always working to curb my emotions, reactions…

Talking this over with my sister, I’m more myself with her than anyone else. There are a lot of things I don’t have to say or explain because she knows.

Thinking this through, I finally figured out why my writing is struggling. I’ve been reining myself in.

Since I only woke up thirteen years ago, I’m struggling to learn how much I can be myself and how much I need to exercise restraint. Restraint is not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve often complained about the battle for balance. The boundaries are clearer now.

Well, I hadn’t intended to open that can of worms. Done is done.


Responses

  1. Welcome to being a teenager….something we didn’t get to do growing up.
    Love and hugs, Ruth

    • ((Ruth))


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