Posted by: Judy | February 28, 2014

Unsettling…

The current WIP (work in progress) takes place in 1986. I use my journals to help me remember some things.

I want to curl up and pull the covers over my head.

Nothing changes.

The only difference is that now I know I was lying to myself, all the time. I was pretending many things hadn’t happened. I still believed some memories weren’t real. Even so, the struggles then aren’t so very different from what I’m struggling with now.

Even as I want to cry for the lack of progress, I know I’ve faced a lot of lies and embraced a lot of truths. I wish I hadn’t started this “What if” experiment. I almost hate Becki. She’s everything I wish I’d been then. It’s odd I haven’t felt this way about any of my other heroines. Maybe because I was so close… but I didn’t break free…

As I read my journal, I see my much younger self reaching for freedom, and then I stumble on the lies I told myself, over and over and over. It was always my fault somehow. Time and time again, escape routes were opened, and I rationalized myself out of taking them… In many of the cases, it came back to me feeling like I was giving up or quitting when what I would have really been doing was walking away from a no-win situation.

I’ve been blessed with a lot of amazing experiences, but to what end?

I’ve never married. Never had a family. No degree in schooling. No living wage career. Nothing to recommend me beyond the fact I’ve not given up.

Note to self: Considering what you went through that only is pretty amazing.


Responses

  1. May I suggest those things you refer to are things people do. What you are is truthful, kind, empathetic, enthusiastic, and I believe a whole list of other things that you have become because of your struggles. You are amazing.

    • ((Ruth)) Thanks.

  2. (((Judy))) I’m with you.

    • Thanks (((TR)))

  3. I love Ruth’s comment. People always measure success by what you do, and not what you are. Imagine if that changed, what kind of a world we would have? Brilliant! Hang in there Judy, those lies were for your survival and not something to cause you pain now.

    • Thanks for the reminder ((rootstoblossom)) Now that I’ve fought so hard to let go of the lies, it’s truly painful to realize they were an effective tool at the time because they were pretty much the only tool I had at the time.

  4. I go through feelings similar to yours from time to time. I get very frustrated with myself. But I think part of the frustration is in that I am becoming more able to see what my potential truly is vs what was pushed upon me. And then I get sad for the younger he who in many ways didn’t have a shot. I get filled with envy for other people who had supportive parents, although that envy isn’t very useful.

    Maybe when you can find more love for Becki, you’ll realize it is compassion for yourself?

    Hugs.

    • Yes, there is that sensation of loss that I can do nothing to change. My last counselor warned me I would mourn the rest of my life for the things I should have had and never did. Still hate when it happens.

      I don’t know about compassion for myself, but I’m allowing Becki the opportunity to be angry about things she can’t change; something I didn’t give myself at the time.

      ((Pandora Viltis))

  5. What you say here resonates with me, in so many ways. The escape routes that were blocked by my (mangled) perception of the situation, or the way of turning everything around so that it was all my fault. Maybe the thing you said that resonated the most with me was that a day came along, not too long ago, that I realized that maybe the most successful thing I’ll ever accomplish in my life is that I survived. That thought made me sad, and I was disappointed, because I wanted something bigger and more important, and then, over time, I finally realized that surviving is big, and important. I’m slowing learning to accept that my survival is / was my strength, and to appreciate that not everyone gets to make that statement.

    I also think it’s very healthy that you are allowing your character (and yourself) to be angry about things that you could not / can not change. To mourn their loss, and to be angry about it. That’s much healthier than denial, or staying stuck in perpetual sorrow. Just as the learning how to live with the lies was an effective tool that kept you alive long enough to learn how to reject the lies, anger can give you the space you need to move forward. We grew up in an environment where anger was not allowed, so part of our healing journey is learning how to (appropriately) express anger.

    It sounds like Becki is really going to help keep moving you forward. Doing the work is not a comfortable thing, but in the end, it is so worth it. Think how liberating it was when you first recognized that you were being manipulated, then how liberating it was when you discovered that everything was based on a web of lies. Those turning points that moved you forward are part of your survival story, and your survival story is a testament to your strength.

    šŸ™‚

    • p.s. on this last day of February, I thought it appropriate to share that, believe it or not, this was my wedding anniversary. Well, technically we got married on leap year (the 29th), but we celebrated it on the 28th in the non-leap year years. I was the one that chose that day for our marriage, and now, every year as that date circles back around, it has become a reminder of something that was beautiful while it lasted, but is now also a reminder of how broken I was during that time.

      I have a feeling you are more than ready to put February behind you, and move on in to March. Here’s to the end of February. You got through the month, and you’re still standing. šŸ™‚

      • (((ntexas99))) Thank you! Bless you.

  6. I agree with Ruth. Who you are, your character, your faith, your endurance despite all the odds, are enormous and matter. You are an inspiration to me. ((Hugs))

    • ((Beth)) Thank you.

  7. Can’t say much tonight except that I sympathize. (((((Judy)))))

    • Sometimes, that’s more than enough. ((((Cassandra)))))


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