Posted by: Judy | February 19, 2014

Made me laugh post…

Many of you have probably already read this. It made me laugh, and I decided I wanted to laugh again.

I laughed because I remembered an experiment I conducted.

In a singles group I used to participate in, we enjoyed a monthly potluck. This was before my official truth campaign, but I was struggling to understand the man/woman thing. Let’s face it, coming from my background, it’s a miracle I’m not more messed up than I am.

I’d grown up believing I was stupid. At the time of the experiment, I was discovering I was brighter than I ever believed. I was terrible at the man/woman thing. I had a few male friends and a few female friends. I constantly struggled to interact with anyone. I owned a dog and a horse, both of whom I interacted with just fine. Animals are pretty straightforward.

Anyway, I wanted to date. I wanted to marry. I knew I had to date first. I worked on learning how to flirt. The problem was that I didn’t realize I already knew how to flirt but not in a healthy way. I was taught I was a sexual object at a very young age. My innocent flirting so wasn’t. I experimented with degrees of flirting. Mind you, I didn’t consider it flirting… Actually, what I thought was flirting wasn’t… I was functioning under false standards.

NM was the one who told me that with my bedroom eyes it was no wonder I was molested.

For me, making any eye contact is a come on. How messed up is that?

Back to the experiment. Our dinner table was pretty evenly split between men and women. I gave myself 10 minutes for each portion of the experiment. The first portion, I played dumb and fascinated by whatever the men had to say. We add more men to our table, almost double the number. The 10 minutes ended. Yes. I watched the clock. The next 10 minutes, I stopped playing dumb. I asked about computers. I asked about sports. I used what I’d learned as a Sign Language interpreter: Know a little bit about everything, enough you are able to talk around anything you don’t know.

Fun side note: My last interpreting teacher loved saying, “They say a little knowledge is dangerous. Let’s get dangerous.”

Back to the dinner. In less than 10 minutes I managed to clear the table of every single man. Really.

What I learned: A lot of men say they want a woman more like them. This is a lie.

Secure men don’t need you to be more like them. They are quite happy to take you as you are.

Secure men are able to converse on a variety of subjects and able to guide a conversation to one of those subjects.

Secure men are able to laugh at themselves.

Guess what… Secure women are the same way.

Hmmm… interesting… I equate secure with healthy.


  1. Great experiment! That is so true, secure men are like secure women. When it comes to being healthy the ‘differences’ we perceive don’t seem so stark. Enjoyed reading the experiment, have you done others like this? xx

    • None nearly as spectacular. I kept it to one on one experiments after that, mostly with the narcissist. I’ve written about those. My experiments with men have been me trying to figure out where I go wrong all the time. Actually, I haven’t done any of those in a while either. I realized I gave up dating about 20 years ago when I recognize how important being honest was and I knew I didn’t know how. So the truth campaign started over 20 years ago, but it was 8 years ago when I finally figured out I had to start rebuilding from my foundation. xoxo

  2. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Rebuilding from the foundation is like having open heart surgery without anesthesia. I am so proud of your courage.

    • ((Ruth))

  3. I still don’t know how to flirt. I find the whole mating ritual thing peculiar. But it’s fun to watch. 🙂

    • 😀

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