Posted by: Judy | February 17, 2014

Still struggling with the anger…

A lot has been going on in my life of late. Not horrible things, simple not great things. Difficult things.

I’m still snapping. Yes, the lies drive me crazies, but I’ve been reacting over the top.


I go grocery shopping once a week or every other week. EF sometimes helps brings things in. If there isn’t much, I do it myself. I don’t mind. I actually like being able to do it myself. NM, almost without fail, asks if she can help, which enrages me. I think I may have discussed this before, but it’s back and I need to dump it from my head.

The offer sounds so sincere, so helpful, so why do I want to explode?

She can’t traverse the stairs, and she can’t actually carry much of anything without risking off-balancing herself. Do you see where this is going?

She offers to help me. I’m carrying in groceries, up a couple stairs.

She can’t carry the groceries, let alone go up the stairs. In other words, her offer is useless.

In her mind, she thinks it would be helpful if I handed her the groceries so I didn’t have to go up and down the stairs.

If I were her, this would be helpful.


I do not have trouble with the stairs, going up and down is not a big deal to me. The only trouble I have in carrying the groceries is if too much is packed into the bags, and they’re too heavy. I’ve learned to bring my own cloth bags and distribute the weight so I’m able to carry them myself.

Her offer of help is another lie. She can’t traverse the stairs or carry the bags. What kind of help is she offering? Worse, she is treating me like I’m an extension of her. She wants to help how she needs help not how I need help. Such a narcissistic thing to do.

Please, God, help me let this go.


  1. I totally get what you mean. This is a family trait in DH’s FOO and he does this to me often. It isn’t really help, is it?
    She isn’t offering the help that would in the end help you, instead she is offering the help that helps herself.

    I am struggling with anger too and is something I am trying to focus on this year. I picked up the book The Dance of Anger and am currently reading it help me through it. (((Judy)))

    • I’d love to hear what you think of it when you’re finished. ((TR))

      • Will do!

      • Me too.

        • 🙂

  2. Funny you used the word snapping, that is what I wrote about today as the general mood in my house.

    My first thought was how childish that offer of help was. Like my 5 year old, who offers help like this so innocently, but the end result is similar in that his help makes my tasks take longer. Interesting. Maybe N’s never progressed out of that childish egocentric point of view? If I have enough patience, I let kiddo help. But sometimes I tell him, no thanks, that was very sweet but I can do it myself. Sometimes I even say that I am honestly in a hurry and he begins to understand. Something an N is incapable of understanding. I wonder why?

    • I’ve wondered about that myself. It wouldn’t surprise me Ns don’t progress beyond a childlike stage. I know with my NM she still wants to be taken care of, like she’s a small child incapable of taking care of herself. I have to remind myself she lacks the innocence of a child. She chooses to pretend she’s helpless. She chooses not to learn. She chooses to hurt others and pretend like she didn’t know what she said or did would cause pain.

  3. You weren’t kidding, were you? February really IS a hard month for you. Hope as the calendar creeps forward, you’ll be able to find that happier and softer place to breathe. It can be tough when it feels like we’re being assaulted from every angle, or when those old patterns resurface over and over again. Writing about it usually helps us let some of it go, so I do hope that writing about it helps release some of the anger. Simmering anger can be dangerous in so many ways – like it burns us up from the inside out, and while doing so, it scorches everything in every direction.

    Something my therapist told me a very long time ago is still something I try to hold onto when things get tough and I find myself struggling with anger – she reminded me that anger isn’t really about anger at all, but that anger is almost always just pain turned inward. She would encourage me to try to step aside and take care of the person that was hurting, and in doing so, the anger would dissipate. In other words, be kind to yourself and soothe that which is hurting, and let the anger part of the equation go silent and fade away.

    Hang in there, and don’t forget to be gentle and kind to YOU. 🙂

    • Kidding? Not even a little bit. 🙂 Of course, it took me years to figure out the pattern.

      Thanks for the reminder. Yes, a lot of the anger is at myself. I’m trying to figure out the printing process for my books and keep hitting little things I can’t figure out. I hate letting them get under my skin. I know it isn’t worth it. I know I can’t change it. Beating the proverbial dead horse. But it won’t get out of the way! 😉

      I’m also churning over a lot of rethink things that have shown up in my path. Of course, it’s when I’m in turmoil these things show up… because I’m in a place where I’m more willing to change… Hmmm… never thought of it that way before.

  4. I hate the faux “let me help” crap NMs do. Hugs!

    • Yep. ((Pandora Viltis))

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