Posted by: Judy | September 9, 2013

Review time…

Every once in a while, I need to do a review of where I am, how I arrived here, and where I’m going.

The truth is I grew up in an insane household and not a nicely insane one. The screaming still reverberates in my head. I’m still struggling with the terrorizing inflicted on me. I’m still afraid to leave the house. I’m still afraid of actually going in the ocean. I’m still afraid of being wrong. I’m still afraid of what will happen if I ever figure out how to make a decent living because I was brutally taught I could only make money as an engineer, regardless of the fact numbers elude me. I’m terrified I will never figure out how to support myself because I’m too stupid; after all, I didn’t major in engineering.

Do you know I excelled in English? My grades were top of the class, unlike my math scores that steadily declined throughout my high school career. One of my English teachers, creative writing, encouraged me to pursue my writing.

I took the military competency test. It rated me high for engineering. Why? Because I’m a problem solver. The test did not reach calculus level, which I would have had to take in college to become an engineer. Granted, I had a lousy calculus teacher, but I truly could not wrap my brain around how the numbers worked. I did only average work in trig. In fact, the only one I excelled at was Geometry, and only in the early stages. When they started combining steps into one I became lost. I could work out the small steps to the big single equation, but I could not use the big equation to solve bigger problems. I had to break it down to the smaller steps for it to make sense to me. Baby steps. Baby steps don’t work well in advanced math.


  1. In all my years of living, I never used my calculus but I use English all the time. Hugs. You are also kind, loyal, caring, good with animals, brilliant story teller, you belong to God…I could keep going but then I would be late for work. Remember the people that said this are crazy and not the nice kind. šŸ™‚

    • True enough.

  2. I totally understand the paralyzing fear. I worry about you still living in that toxic environment. I know it’s hard to see past the fear, but I believe in you and your ability to find a way to take care of yourself. Just look at how much you’ve been able to separate yourself from your mother. Could you have imagined that possible as a younger woman?

    Hang in there. I believe in you.

    • Thanks for the reminder, Pandora Viltis. I do appreciate the vote of confidence. It helps.

  3. Echo PV’s sentiments, you can take care of yourself and are capable. I have wondered a lot of this myself and looking at my fumbles in the career world, I was puzzled by much of what the tests revealed. Big hugs.

    • Thanks ((TR))

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