Posted by: Judy | June 5, 2013

What do I want…

I often use food to compensate for what I don’t have or to stuff down what I can’t have.

As I scarfed down my fourth chocolate cupcake, and scavenged for more to eat — when I’m not even a little bit hungry — I finally stopped and asked myself:

What is it I really want?

The first thing that popped into my head was: Someone to take care of me.

The next thing that popped into my head was: ACK! I don’t want to be like NM! She wants someone to take care of her, no matter the cost to them. I’m not sure what she thinks they’re going to get out of it… maybe she believes that it’s saintly?

No matter.

I only know I do not want to be like her. I fear that I already am in too many ways.

Some people feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me, I think. I’m speculating here.

I keep things to myself so how can they know how I’ll respond to some things?

I’m endeavoring to learn to speak up sooner, so people aren’t quite so surprised. But I admit, I’m still lousy at expressing myself without sounding like I’m blowing up. I’m intense. I’m passionate. When I’m brave I enjoy living out loud.

So what it is I really want? When I sit quietly and think about what I feel like I’m missing…

And then I realize that “I want someone to take care of me” is the comfortable answer, the easy answer, what would be the obvious answer to most people.

What I really want:

I want to know I’m safe.

I’m not. Ever.

I don’t even remember where I was reading it, but they talked about how we all want to feel safe like children do. I choked. The only time I came close to feeling safe was with my dog and my horse and the few times I’m with my closest friends.

That’s it: I want to be safe.

Funny. Binging isn’t as bad.


Responses

  1. As soon as it’s physically possible for you to, get a dog. (This is not a command, just a gentle reminder)…. (((((Judy))))). Next time we talk, I’ll tell you an interesting thing about being taken care of… not here online, however. ttyl!

    • (((((Mary)))))

  2. Hugs. Some where a place for us……

    • ((Ruth)) 🙂

  3. Wow you just nailed it there. I also want to feel safe. I’m not sure I would recognize it. Is it a lack of fear? I wonder what brain chemicals produce “safety” and how over eating may help us get there. Something to think about. And I don’t really know you or what may prevent this, but I agree with Mary up there, you NEED a dog. You’ve mentioned many times how much better you feel with a furry friend.

    • NM and EF don’t want a dog, and it is their house, so I can’t say anything there. I’m okay with that. She has given me permission to adopt a dog, but if the dog makes it more difficult for her to keep house then I’ll have to help out. I don’t have a problem with that either, except this is the woman who mops the floor with filthy water and complains about how dirty her floors are. Everything will be blamed on my dog and no matter how spotless I make things it won’t be good enough. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. Burned it. Don’t want another one. 🙂 Yes, I’m much happier with a dog. Someday…

  4. Me2 – I want to feel safe and I think it is a feeling from knowing that you have a place where you are accepted for who you are and have a place of belonging – that doesn’t really exist in narcissistic families. I think it is normal for children who don’t grow up in safe environments to search for it when they are adults.

    I think that is so impressive that you recognised this feeling and connected to a behaviour.
    Hugs, TR

    • I think part of the struggle is I’m not quite sure what “safe” is. How will I know I’ve found it? Which is why I slip back into bingeing from time to time.

      • I totally understand the struggle – how can we find it when we had no reference of it from our families? Hugs.

        • True. ((peersncareers))


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