Posted by: Judy | April 22, 2013

Interesting question…

Over at Roots to Blossom,a commenter asked about R2B calling her father her dad/monster/destroyer.

http://roots2blossom.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/hanging-on/

I do not know the intent of the questioning. I do know what came to my own mind.

I may have my NM’s DNA, but I made different choices. She could have nurtured the good qualities, but she pointedly manipulated and exploited those qualities. People who don’t know us as well as they think they do have often commented on how much I’m like my mother. They believe their compliment is deep except they have based it on a facade. Do I hate myself because I am my mother’s daughter? I’m also my father’s daughter. I’m not really impressed there either. He had no trouble throwing me to THE mother to avoid trouble himself. Do I hate myself because I’m my father’s daughter? No. I would hate myself if I lied about loving my NM and EF because it’s the only way I could love myself. They may have donated the DNA but any fertile person can do that. I’m working on believing I’m lovable, not because they are part of me but because they pointedly taught me I was not. They are wrong. Are people still lovable when they’re wrong? Yes. Loving someone in a God-tells-me-to-love-everyone-so-I-do kind of way is very different from loving someone for their own sake. What makes me different is NOT making the same brutal choices they did. I chose to not use people as weapons. I chose to not say every nasty thing that popped into my head. I chose to not belittle others so I would feel bigger; mind you, that was a choice I made later when I finally recognized what I was doing. I chose to not control others by shaming them. I chose to not beat others. I chose to consider other people’s feelings. I chose to give people what they want if I could instead of deciding for them what they want. I chose to allow people to have their feelings rather than tell them what to feel.

I’m not sure #16 qualifies in the intent of the list. However, it is #16 that is making the difference and helping me find everything else. Following the promptings of other wonderful bloggers I tried to find a meditation mantra. Something that I could repeat over and over and over that would help me sleep in place of my old familiar negative tape. Writing The Silver Locket Sisterhood series gave me “I belong to God.” I shorted it to “I am God’s.” I don’t remember the last time my negative tape kicked in with any effectiveness.

I did not expect to see #17 until closer to #100. I don’t always believe it, but I’m learning.

1. I am tenacious.

2. I am friendly.

3. I like to help others feel comfortable.

4. I am creative.

5. I love to create.

6. I love to learn.

7. I value the truth.

8. I am a writer.

9. I am passionate.

10. I am extraordinary.

11. I am curious.

12. I am a dreamer.

13. I am hopeful.

14. I am optimistic.

15. I am funny.

16. I am God’s.

17. I am lovable.


Responses

  1. We can definitely make our own choices, and you have learned that! (((((Judy))))) It took me eons to learn that, too. I wish it hadn’t taken so long, but, life is odd, to be sure.

    • ((((Mary))))

  2. WootWoot….you are #17!!!!!!!! Wild cheering at my computer.

    • Thanks, Ruth!

  3. I hope you know that your list, and how it is evolving over time, is inspiring me to try a similar exercise. There is something concretely affirming in seeing the list take shape, and how seeing the truth in black and white helps us take another step towards accepting this new truth (rather than the lies that are automatically associated with the old tapes).

    I really am inspired by the work you are doing on this list. Excellent.

    • This lifts me. I worry about taking so long to find those 100 things, but I’m finding value in growing the list slowly. It took years to convince me I wasn’t lovable, and then more years having it ground in. So, I suppose it’s only natural it will take me a while to replace the lies with the truth. Thanks, ntexas99.

  4. I am also inspired by your list. It makes me smile every time I read it, and #17 is so great. I’m so happy for you and us and everyone in our little blog community who has been working so hard on our own lists, whether we name them out or not. Today you get applause and hugs from me!

    • ((rootstoblossom)) Thank you!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Categories

%d bloggers like this: