Posted by: Judy | April 10, 2013

Self-reflection…

I’m reading Tara Taylor Quinn’s latest, The Truth About Comfort Cove. It’s the third in the trilogy.

Whenever I read a TTQ book, I know it will take me longer than any other book of a similar length. I find myself stopping and thinking. Sometimes I have to put the book down and do a gut check for a few hours or even overnight.

When I started reading romance novels again, over 10 years ago, I approached it differently than I did when I first started reading them 25 years ago. The first time, I simply read whatever came my way. Some of it I liked, and some of it I hated. I figured it was a hit and miss kind of endeavor.

Ten years ago, my dearest friend offered to share one of her favorite authors with me. I enjoyed the book, and she sent me another by Diane Gaston. I was hooked. For the first time, I didn’t search genre, as I always done in the past, I searched for authors. I know I’ve mentioned I have a very selective list.

When I started reading TTQ, it was the first time I knew I was reading an author who didn’t simply write abuse survivors well, she knew. She graciously replied to several of my emails.

In this recent book, I realized it has been years since a man talked to me with any interest in wanting to know more about me, with the possibility of developing a relationship. To say I can be a bit off-putting would be a humungous understatement. I don’t push away on purpose so much as habit.

Then her heroine explains that she likes men fine. She respects those she works with and with whom she has a professional relationship, like her accountant. Finally, she admits it’s in her personal life she doesn’t trust men.

I sat with it for a while.

I don’t trust me.

I was taught to be subservient, to fawn, to do whatever I needed to do to please him no matter how much it cost me. I was worthless, so it shouldn’t matter.

Some part of me never stopped believing I was worth more than I’d been lead to believe.

I know, now, I’m of worth, but I don’t trust myself to hold to it when a man who captures my interest steps into my sphere. So I maintain a safe distance. I don’t know how to change it.


Responses

  1. Interesting thing about reading anything well-written (whether fiction or non-) is that it’s “dangerous”… it makes us stop and think about all sorts of things, including ourselves. We get very good insights. I think that just the awareness of what you’re doing (being 100% pleasing to men, no matter what, etc.) is the first step to changing it. It’s gradual, of course, but the awareness is huge. It’s also hard to try out the new-found knowledge when we don’t have meetings with new groups of people all that often (me included). But awareness is the first step! ((((Judy)))

    • (((((Mary)))))


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