Posted by: Judy | January 31, 2013

Thinking through…

Yesterday’s post brought out an understandable point: Some choose to walk away from God rather than stay in a relationship that makes no sense. I tried it. Didn’t work for me.

I followed Ann Lander’s advice: Are you better off with them or without them?

As rocky as my relationship with God is, I prefer it to when I tried to ignore Him.

Rootstoblossom has been discussing how much better she is at parenting her children than she is at parenting herself. I loved her comment that if a Nanny behaved the way she does to herself, she’d fire her.

I was the same way with both my dog and my horse. I made sure they ate healthy. I exercised them. I bought a blanket for my horse and sometimes went out at 4 in the morning to put it on him. I didn’t want him to lose his warm, fuzzy coat, so I’d only put the blanket on if the temperatures were going to hit freezing. Once the temperature was above freezing again, I’d take the blanket off. It sometimes meant I was out there for three for four hours.

For my dog, I bought her a fan and a foam-molding mattress for her arthritic joints. I used medication and alternative therapies to help her feel better. I sometimes cooked up hamburger and rice for her.

At 10 pm, she would decide it was time for bed. She’d ask to go outside every 15 minutes (snooze alarm) until I turned out the light.

I taught her to put away her toys. We played hide and go seek.

I miss her. I miss my horse as well.

Over on the FB Jimmy Thomas Fan Club Page, they recently asked what you’d tell yourself if you go back to sometime in your 20s. I wrote that I’d tell myself the past really was that bad and to stop lying to myself. I also would have taken my uncle’s offer to stay in England.

I’ve had a couple of days to think about that answer.

Would I have owned my sweet dog? She was here. Would I have owned my saucy horse? He was here. Would I be writing? My writing was a way to work through what I was going through. Would I have the same friends? I really love my friends. They are amazing people.

Every step along the way, I have prayed for guidance and inspiration. Sometimes I feel a nudge to go one way or another. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I have no doubt what direction to go. Other times, I step forward blindly.

To be honest, I think God prefers me to question our relationship than to blindly pretend it doesn’t matter what happens to me. I wouldn’t put up with it from anyone for my dog or my horse. Why would I put up with it for me?

So I question: God are you there? Do you hear me? Do I matter at all?

Funny thing is: I wrote a song about this, 20 years ago.

 

 

The Call by Judy 19 June 1993

“God do you hear me? Why don’t you hear me?”

Child in the night, I hear you calling out my name. Oh, how I want to ease, Want to ease your pain.

“Why don’t you hear me?”

Child of mine, Won’t you listen please. I hear your cry and I’m calling for you. I want to lead you home.

Struggling in the night I feel your fear. Please come to me. I will guide you home, my precious child.

“God do you hear me?”

Child in the night, I feel you reaching out for me. Oh, how I want you here, Want you here with me, With me.

Treasures untold. Peace and joy and beauty wait to come to you, to you my child. All I have is yours.

Lost in the night; See the light that draws you near to me. Cling to me, my child. Please, come to me. Come to me.

“Shivering in the night, so cold….”

Come to me. I’ll hold your hand. Open up your heart that you may hear. Have trust in me. Believe in me. Have faith and you will come to me.

“God do you hear me? I know you hear me. And now I hear Thee.”

Kregg Barentine arranged the music, a truly gifted artist. I wish I still had the music, but the tape disintegrated.

How often do they say, “Don’t look back.”

Sometimes, it’s good to look back. I wrote my answer to myself 20 years ago.

By the way, if I’d stayed in England, I never would have met Kregg or written this song.

Some days are just plain hard. I’ve been feeling out of sorts. I grumble because I don’t feel like it’s worth crying over. Maybe it is.


Responses

  1. We are taught that tears were bad. A lot of what were taught is the opposite of what is healthy and true. Maybe, tears are good. Hugs.

    • Maybe they are… as long as they aren’t used to manipulate.

  2. (((((((Judy)))))) I think that questioning whether God exists just means we are using our God-given intelligence, so it’s perfectly fine. Your song was so heartfelt and wrenching. You were writing, even then!
    I was doing deep breathing this AM and it really helped me to feel better. Im doing it 5 times a day, for 40 days… then it wil become a habit. 🙂

    • I want to hear more about this deep breathing thing. (((((Mary)))))))


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