Posted by: Judy | November 19, 2012

Another of the links…

This one has me thinking.

http://covertabuse.com/2012/10/15/how-to-discern-covert-abuse-without-becoming-paranoid-part-1/

How do you explain to anyone who doesn’t know or hasn’t been “there” what it’s like to be in both camps? To be the victim and to watch it happen to others?

It does explain why learning about honor became so vitally important to me. Not only learning what it is but incorporating it into my life.

I’ll be referring back to this link often.

Rant to get it out of my head: I avoid NM as much as possible. For a reason. I’d managed to avoid her for two days. She caught me alone in the kitchen. EF was in the other room, but not close enough to serve as a deterrent. Keep in mind, we haven’t spoken for two days by the simple means of me staying out of the way. Even if it means crackers for dinner. She catches me in the kitchen and what does she say? “Good news! You must be doing something right because I’m not sweeping up as much hair in the bathroom.” Wait…What? Yes, she calls a slam a compliment and considers me terribly ungrateful for not appreciating her effort. It never occurred to her, apparently, that she goes weeks without cleaning the bathroom so I do it, while other times she cleans it twice a day so I don’t bother. She tells everyone who will listen how hard she tries and how unkind I am…


Responses

  1. I often wonder what goes through her head when she brings entire conversations to a screeching halt….then I remember “oh yeah, she isn’t paying attention to the rest of us anyway….”

    • I hate seeing the delight in her eyes when she stops conversation so everyone is focused on her, and then she drags out what she’s saying to maintain the hold on the leash.

  2. I know you are in a precarious position but wouldn’t it be interesting some time to respond, “Why is that good news?” She’s just plain weird sometimes.

    • I can tell you what she’d say, “You aren’t losing as much hair. Don’t want lose your hair.” My dark humor takes it deeper, to her usual fall back phrase: “Men are stupid, they don’t marry women who -fill in the blank.” In this case, women who are losing their hair.

  3. Hi Judy,
    Do you think your M is unhappy?
    Speaking from my own experience, I feel sure that some mothers, because they are unhappy and because they see their daughters as extensions of themselves hurt ‘them’ and in that moment they feel better. It’s a kind of self-harming by proxy!
    It’s cowardly; my NM did the same thing. The only way to deal with it is to stay calm, because if they see they have hurt you they have got their release and that is just not fair. Hugs to you!
    Molly

    • Funny you should ask that, Molly. My NM loves to say, “I’m the happiest person I know.” Even so, her words and actions all tell me she hates women and therefore herself. The self-harming by proxy makes sense. There is so much sick stuff in her own family tree it’s scary. For the most part, her barbs really don’t mean much anymore except to remind me why I stay away. Thanks for the hugs and sending them back. 🙂

  4. It’s like living under siege, isn’t it? Like we said before, not Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, rather Ongoing Traumatic Stress 😛 So hard to have to try not to react to every trap they set. (((Judy)))

    • Oooo that’s a “great” way to describe it: Under siege. Yes! Definitely Ongoing or Continuing or something, but it isn’t over yet. Not surrendering. I will not comply. 🙂

      • Yep, let’s take the bull by the horns 😉

        • 🙂

  5. Talk about getting blindsided. That
    back-handed ‘compliment’ from her
    was completely out of left field, too… no
    warning. AND crazy. (((((Judy)))) I’m
    so sorry.

    • Thanks ((((Mary))))


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