Posted by: Judy | November 9, 2012

Characteristics…

http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html#CPTSDCharacteristics

Oh, joy.

Yep, I’m the rage turned inward. Interestingly enough, I didn’t do the truancy or the dropping out. Of course, school was safer than anywhere else. Promiscuity was all in my head. I was terrified to do pretty much anything, sort of like living in a self-imposed box. I was definitely a doormat in most of my relationships… okay, all my relationships until I started to clue in, but it was still a long, slow process making the change.

Hmmm… now I think about rage turned outward, I stole food from the cupboards, but I don’t think that’s what they mean. I really tried not to destroy property, ever. I knew what it was to have things taken or destroyed and never replaced. Not much in the way of violence, except for the occasional explosion no one ever saw. I threw a frypan across the room. No one was home but me. I dented it. And yes, a bit of a control freak. Don’t mess with my routine. I’ve worked hard to learn to be less of a control freak.

Definitely hyper vigilant. Oh, snap. Clouded perceptions and blinders… face/palm and/or head/desk. Yeah. It was that bad. Embarrassing. I haven’t sought positions of power, but I have chosen work where I have more control over my work world. Choosing physical danger? No. Then again, for me, leaving my room feels like I’ve put myself in harm’s way. I thought about becoming a counselor but knew my boundaries weren’t healthy enough.


Responses

  1. Hugs, anywhere outside your room is a war zone.

    • ((Ruth))

  2. Thanks for the link, so much info in there. Still digging in and trying to understand it all.

    • Me, too.


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