Posted by: Judy | September 19, 2012

Review Chapter 17…

It’s time to move on to the next chapter.

I definitely haven’t mastered this one, but as I’ve said from the beginning, these are tools I will be practicing the rest of my life. I need to move on. Actually, I really want to start over at the beginning, but I need to see this through to the end first.

Forgiveness is easier if there are no more incidents. I’ve completely let go of any desire for revenge against one of my abusers. He didn’t apologize to me, but he never touched me again. Whenever we interacted in the ensuing years he was respectful. I didn’t need the words of apology. I needed the change in behavior. He gave it. Good enough. This does not mean he has my trust, but neither does he ask for it.

I’m struggling with those who offend me and don’t really care they have done so, and yet circumstances require I continue to interact with them. I’ll keep working on it.


Responses

  1. One of the toughest chapters. Hugs.

    • ((Ruth))

  2. A lot of food for thought in this post. Like you say, it isn’t always possible to cut out offenders who don’t really care who they hurt. I’m not sure forgiveness is what’s needed, maybe a way of dealing with it. I was reading an article the other day about how King David (as in David and Goliath) never forgave his general Joab for killing Abner and Amasa but he continued to work with him for pretty much the rest of his life. Just before he died he told his son Solomon to put Joab to death. I’m still trying to get my head round this, how did David manage it? And for such a long period of time?
    Any ideas?

    • My first thought on David is “Pot meet kettle.” He’s the one who had a man murdered so he could have the man’s wife. Perhaps it’s seeing something in Joab he despised in himself. Perhaps Joab had no regret for what he’d done. David was willing to hold the leash, but felt it his responsibility to end it with him, not pass on the problem. Did he see it as penance? Everyday interactions aren’t recorded, so there’s a lot we don’t know. We all interact with narcissists on a regular basis, other employees, bosses, acquaintances. We learn to set healthy boundaries and defend them. It doesn’t change the narcissist, but it does change us. My first impression. Feel free to add. 🙂

      • “Pot meet kettle” hahaha, I hadn’t thought of that. “felt it his responsibility to end it with him, not pass on the problem.” I hadn’t thought of that either. Very good points Judy. David is probably one of the most complex people in the Bible, I think, because he was so faithful and merciful and loyal and then he went and did something as horrific as killing poor Uriah. I suppose the difference between David and Joab is that when David did wrong he took responsibility and made an effort not to repeat it whereas Joab was never sorry and was always on the lookout for ways to advance his ambition. I do wonder what their everyday interactions would have been like.
        I suppose we can learn to protect ourselves emotionally from these people so that even when we have to interact with them there is less damage. I’m struggling a bit with the triggers at the moment. I prepare myself for when I’m going to be in the situation but sometimes if there is a lot of people and a lot going on I don’t seem to manage so well.

        • “David is probably one of the most complex people in the Bible…” Yes! I think you’re right in your assessment between the two men, as well.

          Hate triggers. My editor harmlessly added the line “Oh, well.” I almost came unglued and promptly deleted it. NM uses it all the time. No way is my hero going to use it.

          I know for me the reason a lot of people and a lot going on makes it so much more difficult is because of all the distractions. Growing up hyperaware is wearing. The only way I’ve found to make it easier is practice, and planning for time to recover afterward.

          • “Growing up hyperaware is wearing.” Yes, like there is so much more info to process because we pick up so much of the detail. The bigger the group of people the more information to process. It’s really exhausting. To keep practicing is the way to go. I think you have mentioned before about planning time to recover after the event. Thanks for the reminder 🙂

            • You’re welcome. A reminder I need myself. 🙂

  3. Thanks Kara and Judy, I enjoyed the exchange about David. I also noticed that I could almost split the psalms between before and after David killed Uriah by putting him in the front of the army. He seems more compassionate of the mistakes of others after he made his own.

    • 🙂


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