Posted by: Judy | August 1, 2012

Rethink…

The Background Story had a heart warming post, yesterday.

http://thebackgroundstory.com/2012/08/01/vol-2-ch-8-p-1/

It also encouraged me to make a decision.

I need to do some rethinking or re-prioritizing or something.

What I know: I’m tired of using food as a way of comforting myself, especially since it doesn’t really work.

Oh.

I have to stop lying to myself.

Well, shoot.

Here I am, again.

I want to hang my head in defeat. I’m still lying to myself.

Okay.

Deep breath.

Release.

I am addicted to food.

I’ve never smoked or done drugs or had anything to drink stronger than sparkling cider or a cola.

I haven’t had soda pop in years. It’s been a few years since I last bought a dozen donuts, and longer still since I ate them all in one sitting. It’s been decades since I’ve eaten an entire bag of Oreos or chocolate covered graham crackers. In fact, it’s been a long time since I last ate an entire bag or anything in one sitting.

The ugly, unpleasant truth.

I tell myself I can’t stop, even as I shove another piece of food in my mouth, despite my tummy hurting and feeling like I want to cast up my accounts. (I have to admit: that’s a Regency phrase I really like.)

What is wrong with this picture?

It isn’t healthy.

It isn’t what I want for myself.

Shoot. Still dancing around the truth.

I’m addicted to food.

There.

I said it.

Now, I could list all the reasons why. It doesn’t change the fact I’m not changing, except maybe at the pace of a glacier.

I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable all the time.

I’m tired of my knees and ankles and back hurting.

I’m tired of struggling to bend over.

I’m tired of having trouble sitting and standing and walking.

Before I beat myself up too much: I am doing better.

I’m able to kneel on the floor (I did for a picture, this last June). I also was able to make it to my feet on my own. How did this happen? I started a new exercise routine.

What happened?

I’ve been feeling out of sorts.

When I feel out of sorts, my eating increases, and I’m not as diligent in doing my exercises.

Granted, the weather really doesn’t help. Rain makes walking a lot more difficult, as it tends to trigger my allergies. My allergies tend to manifest in the form of flu-like symptoms. Great.

No excuses.

I want to be healthy.

To be healthy: I must eat healthy and exercise healthy.

My way has improved things a little. I want more.

Greedy.

I know.

For the next few days, I’m going to be doing a personal inventory, paper and pen in hand. It’s how I start a story. Well, it’s time I wrote my story, the story I want for myself, all the parts over which I have some control, power, choice.

Last night, I chose not to attend my writer’s group. I enjoy the friendship. So why did I choose not to attend? I love the bread served. Really. I have no self-control. Not yet. The next meeting is one month away.

I’m going to see what I will accomplish between now and then.

I am worth taking care of in every way.

Now, if I’ll only believe it.

Here’s another truth: The reasons are excuses.


Responses

  1. Hugs. I am cheering you on to healthy. Goooo Judy. 🙂

    • Thanks.

  2. Hi Judy, reading this reminded me of when I was 14 and I was addicted to tea biscuits. I would eat them like a machine:one after the other non-stop until I’d finished the packet. At 14 is when I changed from the school I had gone to since I was little to high school. I realise now that I was suffering from anxiety. After I settled into the new school the manic eating of biscuits faded away. I remember reading somewhere that we accumulate a lot of tension in the jaw, and chewing releases the tension. Also carbs are calming. I think you’re doing really well (just been reading your post at your other blog about how you have been slowing down your eating). This post is food for thought for me too, getting to the bottom of my self-boycotting isn’t easy. Hugs.

    • I’d heard that about chewing, which probably explains why I love caramels. 🙂 I hadn’t heard that about carbs, or at least I don’t remember, though it would explain why my comfort foods are all carbs. Hugs to you!

  3. Judy, I totally feel for you and so appreciate your utter honesty. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have a severe gluten intolerance and have to be extremely care or I end up doubled over with stomach pains and sick again. What we eat, and how we handle food, think of food, everything about it, has such a huge impact on our lives, especially those of us with our various struggles and challenges. You are not alone. Many want to do better and the failures heap on us like a great weight, making us think we never get out from under so what’s the use. But each moment of every day is a new chance.Just for this moment, drink herbal or decaf tea…coffee..something filling but not fattening. Warm fluids sooth the stomach and are more satisfying. Just keep the sugar/creamer to a minimum. We live on a dairy farm so I can add a little fresh milk to my hot tea (not the herbal kind, of course). Eat as much as you like of the low calorie foods. Stuff yourself on them, first. I love my carbs so sympathize. Gluten free doesn’t mean carb free but does cut back substantially on them. Can you do a nice baked sweet potato with a little salt and maybe low fat spread? Things like that, nutritious and filling? Just spitballing here.

    • I love herbal tea. Chamomile and lavender is my favorite. Beth, I think you’ve really outlined my struggle. When I eat consciously, thinking ahead, planning, making the time, my diet is pretty healthy. It doesn’t take much to derail me, and then I go into autopilot and I’m eating the ease way, what’s familiar, the hold habits kicking in. I need to create new habits. I understand this, but I haven’t yet figured out how to actually put it into practice. Thanks for the suggestions.

      • I totally understand because I keep spiraling back into gut flare ups if I don’t think most through everything that goes into my mouth. And then I’m miserable. It’s so easy to fall back into what doesn’t work. Don’t beat yourself up over it–nor will I–we start from here.

        • Good point! Today, I will be mindful of what I eat. 🙂

  4. Addictions suck, but it’s true that many are coping mechanisms for bigger problems. Badly adapted solutions, but still survival tactics.

    If I hadn’t had alcohol to turn to, I might have short-circuited into suicide or worse. Which is not to say that alcoholism was a good idea. But it was all I had in my toolbox at the time.

    Maybe if you keep adding to your toolbox, you’ll find another outlet for the hurt. And addressing the hurt too, of course.

    I’m sure you know, you already took that first step: admitting the problem. Yay, you!

    • You are so right about needing to add more tools to my toolbox. In fact, I started today. One of the workshops I attended at the writing conference, last April, suggested Play-Doh for those of us that are tactile. I’ve had a little container of it I’ve never opened, until today. I’m amazed at how it helped me calm and focus. I’ve limited myself for so long. It’s the first time it’s occurred me part of the problem is that I’ve lived inside the cage so long I don’t know how to step outside, even with the walls stripped away. Today, I stepped out and played with Play-Doh. And yes, the first step is admitting there’s a problem. 🙂

      • Ooh, Play-Doh! I always liked the smell of it.

        Funny, I was just talking to Boone about wanting to get back into drawing with Crayons again.

        I like what you wrote about not knowing what to do once stepping outside the cage. I get that.

        • My sister loves Crayons and coloring books, but I find them frustrating. I’ve never been able to color inside the lines. 😀


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