Posted by: Judy | July 30, 2012

What to do…

First day of the roommates vacation is always spent trying to shift my thinking. I’m home alone. I’m safe. I don’t need to be hyperaware.

A few days into the vacation, and I’m feeling such relief. The house is clean. The A/C isn’t constantly running trying to keep up with the oven being on overnight every few days. I turn on my favorite radio station and leave it on. No bickering. No snapping. No walking on eggshells.

Unfortunately, it took me a week to settle, and then they were home again.

What I discovered: I wasn’t afraid this time. This is new. My hyperawareness is usually paired with anxiety. I’m learning to let go of the anxiety, while maintaining the awareness. The awareness cannot go away. It’s a survival tool.

I have to care more about me, taking care of me, than my fear of what will be said or done to me. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m not mindful of being hurt. I am. It’s time I learned to maintain my boundaries. It’s easy when they aren’t tested. It’s maddening when they’re constantly tested. I need to accept personal responsibility for taking care of me, in every way.

A few times, during the week they were gone, I was genuinely happy. It was usually for someone else, but still I was truly happy. No shadows. No anxiety. No disquiet. I will learn to be healthy, in every regard. I’m learning to better understand the concept of practice. Instead of feeling like I’ve failed, I tried something that didn’t work, and I’ll pick myself up and move on.


Responses

  1. I need to work on these things too, thanks for the reminder. 🙂

    • You’re welcome, Kara. 🙂

  2. And vacation will happen again for more exploration. 🙂

    • Soon. 🙂

  3. I really don’t know how you do it. You should be very proud of yourself. 🙂

    • Thanks. It’s sort of a do or die, and I prefer to do. 🙂 That sunny optimistic attitude I’ve never been able to completely crush. A good thing.

      • You mean THEY were never able to crush.

        I’ve got that same thing, although I am glad I don’t have to fight sustaining it against locusts anymore.

        You are definitely DOING, though.

        • Actually, they’d trained me so well, I carried on where they left off. It’s only been the last year or two I’ve finally started the work of breaking the habit. Yes, I’m doing it. 🙂


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